Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Welcome to the World of Crazy Celebrity Names, Blue Ivy.

You want to name her WHAT??
I have the winter doldrums.

This year I was blind-sided because the weather has been very mild but the lack of daylight has been the same as it is every year and I, therefore, get a little nuts.

I try not to involve the kids. But last night, Charlie called when I was sobbing over a recent Ex-Lax commercial (People are constipated? Waaaaahhhh!) and, in vain, tried to cheer me up. Not even news of the stupid name Beyonce and Jay-Z gave their new baby girl could raise my spirits.

Learning that yet another celebrity has given a child a ridiculous name usually perks me up a bit.
Jason Lee: Idiot
For example, Gwyneth Paltrow naming her daughter after a fruit gave me tons of material for the daily stand-up routine I do for the cats.

The same goes for when the Jolie-Pitts chose to evoke the memory of one of the most racist American politicians in recent history with their choice for their son, Maddox. And, when Jason Lee, of "My Name is Earl" lack of fame, picked the odd and misspelled moniker of Pilot Inspektor for an innocent child, I was happily snarky for days.

Now the schizophrenic Beyonce (Is she the demure, giggling, small town girl who blushes on talk shows or the sneering vixen of her videos? Men love the dichotomy but some of us lose sleep trying to solve this riddle) has not only named her daughter after both a color (or, a depressive state of mind), "Blue" and "Ivy," a sturdy plant.
Yes, Blue is after Jay-Z's ground and record breaking album, Blueprint. Big deal. 

And, while I knew a girl named Ivy and actually like the name, in tiny Blue Ivy's case, it's after her mother's favorite number....in roman numerals, no less. IV. Four.

They thought a "number." Some will think "climbing plant" while I, in my current state, think "needle inserted by fumbling technician in the hospital, meant to transport fluids and medication into a sick person's veins."

Beyonce and Jay-Z (poor things, billions of dollars yet no last names) are not alone in the crazy name department.

Bono, that incredible walking ego, named his daughter Memphis Eve. Compared to Kal-El, the choice of the Nicholas Cages, this is no big deal until one recalls reading that Bono once purchased a first class seat on an airplane to transport his favorite hat safely to its destination.
I don't even know who I am.

Rob Morrow (who?) named his daughter Tu. (Say it: Tu Morrow) and Penn Jillette, the hulking doofus of (yawn) Penn and Teller fame named a tiny baby girl who arrived, sinless, in this world, Moxie Crimefighter.

What if Moxie and Pilot get married? The wedding announcement would read "Pilot Inspektor to wed Moxie Crimefighter." They would have no choice but to name their own child Nazi Hunter.

Jermaine Jackson, however, wins the day.

While his daughter has a cousin nicknamed "Blanket," he gave his baby girl a name so insane and hilarious that I cannot even be mad at him.
Blanket: My real name is Prince Michael.

It's a name that must have been hovering in the ether since his own name was bestowed upon him by the stable and loving unit of Mr. and Mrs. Jackson and, gauging by the rest of the hijinks in that group of nut jobs, it was inevitable....

Jermajesty Jackson.

Perfect. Hopefully, in the bizarr-o world inhabited by that entire family, reality will never touch her. So far, things are looking pretty good in that department.
And you thought your family was dysfunctional...

Well, I am feeling better. 

I would like to extend my congratulations to Beyonce and Jay-Z upon the birth of their daughter, Blue Ivy.

May she never be blue. May she always be strong and enduring like ivy. 

And, when the moment arrives, may she give her own daughter a simple name like Mary or Alice or Deborah. By the time she's ready to have children, those names will be considered really, really weird.


  1. An insanely rich family here in Houston named there daughter Ima. If that wasn't bad enough there last name was Hogg.

    They shoulda been shot. The parents that is.

    Sorry you're in a funk young one. Feel better.

  2. Hey, Michele...I'd read about the Hoggs...is it actually true??? How mean!

    Thanks, I am...nothing like dark chocolate.

  3. I don't know what they're all thinking. Hopefully the kids will live in a world where they are insulated enough that these stupid names won't hurt them.

  4. At least when Cher named her son, she put the Blue after the Elijah. Blue Elijah sounds even sadder than Blue Ivy.

  5. I think that's a safe bet, Antoine, don't you? Thanks for reading and commenting today!

  6. You know, Vinnie. I agree. And to take the "blue" from the album name...nice little ego trip, too. But what else can be expected?

    Thanks for stopping by!

  7. My uncle had a sheep-dog named Blue...and neighbours called their daughter Lizzie for a little while (cos she came out looking like a lizard...) then they stopped in case everyone kept calling her that. She's now a gorgeous kid called Emily. Poor little baby Blue - though I think the BILLIONS her parents have will guarantee she can buy enough cocaine that she will never have to worry what her name is (or remember, even)...

  8. Now there's a point, Janet. I cannot imagine what kind of a life a kid like that will have...and I do not envy any of them.

  9. There was a time when Rumor Willis was weird, and that made us slightly forget Rayne Prior and Dweezil, Moon Unit, Ahmet, and Diva Muffin Zappa!

    Clearly money can't buy common sense or a non-ghetto baby name book. It will surely have to buy years of therapy and the aforementioned cocaine.


  10. I'd forgotten about Diva Muffin! Frank Zappa certainly was nuts, wasn't he?

  11. I can picture them bursting with pride at their own cleverness as they selected that silly name. That said, I'm kinda a fan of different names. But by different names I mean names like Althea, Mina or Raphael NOT names of foods, colors, or various household objects.

  12. I love different names. Like Dante, Murron (a gaelic name Rob really likes for a girl), Chiara........Names with meaning, ethnic and family history, beautiful sounds. I tend to go for the Gaelic and Italian names because we're both Scottish and Italian. I also like names from different backgrounds. Catholic names that are more ethnic, maybe a bit more obscure. For example, Rocio and Pilar are Spanish girls' names that have something to do with the Virgin Mary. I like those (and, well, I have a tiny bit of Spanish). Of course, I also love Arabic, Hebrew, and various African language names. Case in point, my Nigerian student's middle name is "No man stands alone before God," in Ibo. That's pretty badass.

    However, I don't get the celebrity trends. I think it's one thing to not conform to Anglo standards and go with your own culture. At the same time, IV as in FOUR???? FOUR???????? REALLY???????

  13. Anastasia!!! I totally agree...no household objects is a definite. Hmmmm, Mina. I like it!

    If Tom had been a girl, he would have been named Pickpocket Croissant. We knew Charlie was a boy (intuition, not tests) so we never bothered to come up with a girl's name.

  14. I like your thinking, Katie, but please don't go for "Murron." No matter how it's supposed to be said, it will always be read as "Moron."

    And yes, the number four.

  15. One must remember how names are pronounced on the playground in the future!

  16. You are right, Annette...and it's not so simple anymore.

    Thanks for the comment!