Justin Bieber vs. Prince William's Hair

After several weeks away from this blog, I want to thank Justin Bieber for making my return to "Susan Says..." so easy. In fact, I am not even here. This post is writing itself, whistling happily as it works while I have toast with hummus in the kitchen with Buzzy.

Oh, Biebs, you pitiful, talentless, over-promoted little pimple on the ass of the entertainment industry. Your inane comments about Price William's thinning hair have renewed my energy, restored my enthusiasm and, best of all, leave me no choice but to rip you to shreds. After months of leaving you alone, I am freed by your own stupidity.

Ironic, no?

The Biebs, it appears, thinks that the increasingly hairless heir to the British throne should enhance his appearance with the use of the available wonder drugs in the war on baldness. “I don’t know why he doesn’t just get those things, those products. You just take Propecia and your hair grows back. Have you not got it over here?” are his exact words, spoken to the British press.

Oh yeah, I got it.

Me, too.

Has no one told this kid that Prince William will eventually replace his missing hair with a crown? I'm not talking about the cardboard one from Burger King that you like to wear, Justin. I'm talking about a real, freakin' crown. Not to mention, men no longer need hair in order to look good. It's all in the attitude .... just ask Bruce Willis, Michael Jordan, Sean Connery or Jason Stratham.

Me, three.

It is not news that men are as strung out over their appearance and body image as women are. Over the years they've struggled with horrifying toupes, worn uncomfortable lifts in their shoes and even corsets under suit jackets. More recently,  they've endured calf implants so they can make a statement ("Look how crazy I am--I had calf implants!!" is typically the statement) at the beach. Lately, however, as armies of unapologetic and freshly waxed and moisturized metrosexuals stride into the spotlight, the quest for male beauty has become public and unabashed. 

For Justin to spout off about Prince William's hair loss is not only gleefully moronic but also extremely rude. Did the interviewer suddenly ask him specifically about his feelings regarding the dominant balding gene that runs through the bloodlines of the royal family like the Amazon courses through the jungles of Brazil?

Who brings such a thing up? I hope his parents are embarrassed. I would be.

I doubt the prince would bring up the fact that the Biebster's testicles have not yet properly descended or that, with his current hairstyle, he strongly resembles Eddie Munster.

And yes, the prince is clearly losing his hair and has been for years. It hasn't affected his good looks or lessened the number of young ladies who would love to share his royal chambers. While his younger brother Hairy Harry seems to have been spared the pain of follicular challenges and will definitely enjoy a glamorous life, he is still only the second fiddle...and always will be.

I got the hair, bitches.

Hopefully the bright future ahead of Prince William will bring him much opportunity to maintain the patina on the monarchy as well as do good around the world...even if Kate does put on her make-up using not a mirror but, instead, the high polish of her husband's head.

Either way, they have it made.

The Biebs, who has not demonstrated a growth spurt in recent months, sings awful songs to little girls who will forget him soon after the next teen phenom surfaces. Prince William has the lovely Kate, a rich grandma and a date with history.

And, when Kate was recently interviewed by the BBC she was asked about her feelings regarding William's approaching baldness. Her response, "Who cares about his hair, silly! He has a huge penis. That's why I married him!"*

"I mean, seriously, have you seen that thing?"

*Okay, okay. So she didn't really say that.