Friday, November 18, 2011

A Movement is Born: Occupy IHOP, America!!!

If you know me well, you are aware that my favorite restaurant on planet earth is IHOP.

I would rather eat at an IHOP than the fanciest, most elegant, trendy or highly-touted dining spot available--even if you're paying.

Bring me that carafe of hot, delicious coffee. Let me fiddle around with the sticky array of syrup dispensers (original, blueberry, strawberry and butter pecan) and observe -- with rapt interest -- what delicious things sail by in the practiced grip of the pleasant wait staff on their way to other people's tummies.

Give me the five to ten minute wait on a weekend morning where I feign annoyance as others are called first but secretly enjoy the delay as anticipation builds.

Hand over the towering menu packed with glossy photos of breakfast, lunch and dinner although breakfast is on the agenda no matter the hour of the day.

Show me the clean, shaved necks of the burly men crammed into booths with their wives, children and mothers-in-law because it's Sunday and that means, if you're damn lucky, a delicious breakfast out.

If we are at IHOP, we're not on home turf because there is no IHOP nearby. We're usually down south or far up north where, as proud ambassadors of urban pancake lovers, we unconsciously soften the edges of our city accents in order to blend in with the locals.

The closest IHOP to me is about an hour's drive despite my regular entreaties to corporate. No, I don't bombard them with email (once or twice per day is sufficient) but I have repeatedly threatened suggested  that an IHOP would be most welcome in my neighborhood.

Now, I read that IHOP is expanding with a new chain of fast-food restaurants where you order at a counter and sit at sterile little tables under bad lighting. 

While I should be thrilled, this is not the IHOP I recognize. While pancakes are always good (even a bad pancake is a good pancake) the very nature of fast food will compromise the quality.

Plus, I would miss the thrill of having our name called by the smiling hostess as she leads us to our freshly wiped down table, the fake leather of the cozy booth, the amber water glasses sliding off the tray and into formation before us and the blissful moment of decision: a country omelet -- hold-the-sour-cream-please -- with a side of pancakes or a stack of originals.


Yes, their portions have recently shrunk. Yes, they eliminated my all-time favorite breakfast of banana nut pancakes served with that weird but delicious banana syrup but, after extensive therapy as well as a white-hot love for the franchise, I have accepted it.

Now they are talking treason with something heinous called a "Cup o' Pancakes." Add to this the new concept of an "interactive syrup bar" and, we now have a reason to organize and freakin' take back IHOP!

Are you listening, America???!!!! We are rooty tooty fresh and fruity not going to take this!

I ask you to join me as I "Occupy IHOP!"

Please urge everyone you know to drop whatever they are doing and clog the entrances, dawdle in the booths, and if necessary, erect tents in the kitchens of your local IHOP restaurant.

Let them know that purists will not be toyed with.  We will not accept such a major shift in focus brought about by corporate greed, decisions made by men in suits who have lost touch with the essence of THE PEOPLE.

Princess Chunk
Celebrities who have already expressed an interest in joining our cause are Kirstie Alley, John Goodman,Wendy the Snapple Lady and Princess Chunk, the Cat.

This movement is guaranteed to spread like wildfire across the land. Join us now so you can tell your grandchildren, as they sit in pleather booths eating their pancakes on plates  instead of styrofoam cups, that you were a part of saving a piece of American so precious to one courageous woman that she gave up everything and devoted her life to a cause greater than herself....pancakes.

Have a great weekend, America and thank you.
It's coming, America. Are you prepared?


  1. Sign me up! I am ready! I heard of this Pancale Express thing and I don't like it either. Where is the first event?

  2. Been waiting for a cause I could support. Especially since I loved the banana and nut pancakes, myself.

  3. You know we have an Ihop in Manhattan now right? It's on 14th st. I work there, and it's not express. Come on by.

  4. Honestly, Anonymous #2 (ignoring #1, regardless of accuracy), I am normally not into chain restaurants but I make an exception for IHOP.

    Thanks so much for the invite. I hope I see you there. And, thanks for stopping by...come back soon.

  5. Thank you, Carlo and Sharona...I hope you're willing to carry signs.

  6. This is something that I will definitely support. Ugh...corp. greed stikes again.

  7. Glad to have you on board...yeah, that corp. greed canbe very pesky.

  8. Considering your recent weather, I think you need a Waffle House (FEMA uses the degree to which a Waffle House is open as a litmus test of disaster areas. They all have generators and regardless of weather are open with coffee.) We have one just down the street.

    However, I do have fond memories of being a college student in an IHOP at ungodly hours of the night ordering breakfast. It's about 45 mins away if you ever come visit us :)

  9. My wife feels this way about the hour away Cracker Barrel. Why is it we are so far separated from the ones we love?


  10. Elalona, I have never been to a Waffle House but I do want to try one...but my heart still belongs to IHOP!
    Thanks for stopping by!

  11. SCott, I have to admit that I do have a soft spot for Cracker Barrel. My grown up hooligan sons love to stop there....nice memories of driving to Florida and stopping there. Thanks for reading.

  12. This flippant post is condescending and mocks the true "occupy" cause.

  13. Ananymous, is it possible not to condescend to those laughable, meaningless streetrats at Occupy?

  14. Hey, Eddie...aren't you that guy from Spingfield?

    Thanks for the comment. XO

  15. You need to come my way! We have an IHOP and a Cracker Barrel just 15 minutes away from my house. BUT I would implore you to actually skip both of them and drive a little further down the Post Rd in Orange and go to Chips. Seriously. Have you heard of Chips in your neck of the woods? THE BEST pancakes anywhere.

  16. I am most intrigued by Chips...but my heart belongs to IHOP, ALicia!

  17. We don't have IHOP here, but pancakes in a cup sounds all wrong!
    I would post your bail if you got arrested during your occupation XO