Monday, August 26, 2013

My Horrified Review of the 2013 MTV Video Music Awards...but, yes, it's mostly about Miley Cyrus.

Please, put that thing away before
someone gets hurt.
I have always tried to keep up with the music scene....even if that very statement alone is evidence of how out of touch I have actually become.

But, in my defense, I have not stagnated (like some people to whom I happen to be married), forever stuck in the music of the seventies despite the fact that I do agree that era wins the day. After all, we have "Ride Captain Ride" and who amongst us can resist singing along to "Me and You and a Dog Named Boo?" 

Beat that Gen-Xers or whatever the hell you're calling yourselves these days!

I know who Drake is, hate Kanye (but love his music) with the rest of the universe, know the band Fun. always has a period after its name despite its location in a sentence and have been practicing twerking in the privacy of my own home with only the cats to far.*

I cannot, however, condone what Miley Cyrus did last night. It's the kind of thing that shakes up any parent pretty badly.

I understand her apparent determination to undo a syrupy child star image but what Miley did last night....well, it made Amanda Bynes look like an excellent role model for America's youth. Don't set your dogs on fire, kids but feel free to urinate in pubic while wearing a waist length neon wig because that was preferable -by a lot - to Miley's insane hijinks at the VMAs.

Miley made this look stable.

In a nutshell, she spent far too long on stage prancing obscenely (and I do not use that word loosely) in a nasty fur bathing suit which was later stripped off -- of course -- to reveal a satin flesh colored two piece number that covered her tushie while not enough, more than Lady Gaga's thong did---yet, last night, Gaga had the dignity of Margaret Thatcher compared to Miley.
Do not drag my name into this, I beg of you.
Stop, just stop!!!!
The weirdest part was that she stuck a tongue that Gene Simmons would envy out of her mouth at odd and frequent times, letting it hang to the side in what, I assume, she thought was an erotic manner but just looked like she was having a stroke. 

Combine this with perfunctory crotch touching, the crotch touching of others, the inappropriate use of a foam finger, crazy eye-popping and lots of awful stampeding women with giant teddy bears strapped to their backs and you have a perfect scenario of what I am absolutely certain hell must be like.

I also suggest that the entire live audience get themselves tested for a wide spectrum of STDs after all that. If you were in the first few rows, please seek therapy, as well. I am quite sure there is a Miley Cyrus proviso in your health insurance now that Obama Care is here.
Robin and Miley in hell.

And Robin Thicke, what in the name of Yeezus were you thinking to participate in that insanity? 

Your song "Blurred Lines" is super naughty but oh-sooooooo delicious and and, while I wish you had not "pre-emptively" sued the estate of the incomparable Marvin Gaye for, er, musical confusion, you have more class than that. You did look pretty darn goofy in that striped suit, though.

During Miley's performace, all I could think of was how embarrassed her parents must be but the camera swung over to show her beaming mother in the audience. If that were my kid I would have dragged a fire hose in and aimed it at the stage.
Watch out, Selena. She doesn't
really like you.
I always try to be a

As annoying as Miley was totally gross, was the simpering and smug Taylor Swift. Dancing in the audience and singing along to every goddamn thing, she is the embodiment of the cloyingly sweet but secretly evil girl in high school who you simply cannot catch being a bitch but who quietly and systematically destroys the world.

Did I enjoy anything? Yep, I loved Kanye and Katy and happily sat through an endless Justin Timberlake performance. I cannot tell you the difference between a Back Street Boy and an  N' Synchian but I love me some Justin.
Lady Gaga, herself.

I am currently recovering from last night's spectacle.   I have a few pieces of poster board left over from when the kids were in school and am going to spend the rest of the morning trying to reconstruct Lady Gaga's head gear (think the Flying Nun as interpreted by an angry cubist on LSD) so I can wear it to the supermarket later.
 *This may explain all the recent hairballs I've been finding.

Will Smith and Family watching Miley Cyrus last night at the VMAs. Look at Jaden! Hahahaha!


  1. Yuck. It was awful and I am 19 years old. My mom would have dies if she had been watching it. It did not represent how good some fo the music was.

  2. LOVE the Smith Family's reactions

  3. Couldn’t have said it better myself! I am traumatized by the whole thing! Thanks for a good laugh and for calling it like it is. :)

  4. Dear would have killed my mom, too. Thanks for reading and commenting.

  5. Anon#2---Me, too! Priceless. Thanks for stopping by!

  6. Miss Stajie---thank you!I think America is traumatized based on the reactions of everyone. XXXOOO

  7. Jaden's face!!!!!!! LOLOLOLOL!!!!! and I agree that Taylor Swift is the Anti-Christ.

  8. Good review. I have had a headache all day due to Miley's behavior.

  9. Right on Susan.....all i can say is....well, actually i can't say it...i don't want to get you banned again.....
    WTF?!?!?! Is she trying to prove something? Yes honey child, we know you're a woman now and a sexually active don't have to prove that point to us....please get your hands away from your crotch.
    The ONLY reason i watched the show was to see Adam love....and all i could think of was what the hell was HE thinking? He received so much bad press after his performance at the AMA's a few years ago and i'm sure she won't receive anywhere NEAR the amount of bad publicity.... His performance almost destroyed his career and i'm sure her antic's will only boost her career......what's wrong here??

  10. JFB. I am 55 and was mortified. Thank God I did not watch that at my parents home. I was embarrassed enough watching it alone. I would have preferred torture by Ms. Gramby.

  11. And yet another reason why the Mister and I do not own a TV...............

  12. Thank you for this! Your commentary on Miley was spot on but your interpretation of Taylor Swift? THANK YOU! I have literally always thought that! Thanks for the analysis and keep it up!