Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Terror in the Candy Dish

I read an article this morning about candy.

Specifically, the article was about a study that says wrapped candy is a deterrent to people wishing to limit their consumption of sweets or maintain a weight loss regime.

Their findings claim that the task of unwrapping a piece of candy is an effective obstacle, noting that having to use tongs to access candy will also stop someone in their quest for sweets, as well.
I bet Chuck Yeager wouldn't
be deterred by a wrapper.

Clearly this study was conducted using amateurs.

I know someone -- a seasoned professional, mind you -- who broke the sound barrier unwrapping and consuming 16 mini, foil-wrapped Cadbury eggs last Easter at a pace that would have made Chuck Yeager proud. 
Eaten last on Halloween.

Plus, what was the candy used in the study?

Was it a tiny box of Dots, a miniscule packet of stale Milk Duds or a sleeve of powdery Necco wafers?

Or was it something fabulous?  I would chew through a lead encased vault to get at one of Godiva's -- new for fall! -- Cheesecake Truffles and I'm not ashamed (although I damn well should be) to say it.
Texture-wise, not bad but still
kind of weird.

As for the tongs, I laugh at tongs.

What you do if tongs stand between you and a piece of candy is pick up the tongs, stroll over to the window, open it and toss them to the street below. End of story. 

If you are participating in a controlled study as described in the article and there is a research assistant with a clip board who attempts to stop you, simply menace him with the tongs. He's not getting paid enough to be motivated to do much of anything....and he might want some candy, too.
The new Cheesecake Truffle is front and center.
I will, however, tell you what a true deterrent is...

It's the man in the cute little restaurant who, while awaiting his to-go order, slid a clammy paw down the back of his trousers, grubbled around for a few seconds and, having completed his task, used the same hand to scoop up a handful of the candy corn they keep in a pumpkin shaped bowl by the register at Halloween.

As soon as he left, I hurried over to tell the owner what I'd seen and she immediately dumped the contents of the bowl into the garbage. A few days later, however, the bowl was back--refilled with candy corn ready for the next does of fecal flavoring...and God only knows what else. There are so many possibilities: someone with a drippy cold might come by, or a sneezer, a drooler, a cougher, a non-handwasher, a sneezing drooler, a non-washing dribbler, a coughing ass-grubbler....the combinations are endless.

I blathered to the owner about my darkest fears of how the new bowl might have already been violated but, while she smiled at me the way one might while watching baby pandas tumble about at the zoo, she did nothing about the candy.

Now this is a deterrent...not some flimsy wrapper or a set of tongs, for goodness sake. I can't even look candy corn in the eye anymore.

I also soon found reason not to return to this restaurant because if they didn't have an issue with turd traces in the candy, what might be going on in the kitchen?

The moral of the story: ignore all  research studies, choose wrapped candy over its unwrapped counterparts and, if you come across tongs, you might actually want to hold on to them since we all could always use another set in the kitchen. They really are so handy, aren't they?


  1. Uggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwyuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

  2. I'd forgotten just how funny/disgusting you are!

  3. Michele, that's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me!