My Review of The 56th Grammy Awards

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If you deny that you were anticipating my annual snarky review of the Grammy Awards, I refuse to believe you.

A legend in my own mind when it comes to reviewing award shows, I prefer to imagine that mine is the definitive voice when it comes to the hijinks of music's big night. And, yes, I am delusional....but here goes:

Let's begin with my very own Grammy acceptance speech: I would like to thank Metallica for providing me with the best night’s sleep I've had in a very long time. Is it that you, Metallica, are getting old or is that I am because, despite not being a fan of your genre, I have always saluted your talents and admired your work...

Last night, I fell asleep, awoke, rewound your performance on the DVR only to fall asleep again. By the third rewind, it was all over and I was lost to deep dreamless slumber except for one disturbing vignette about Katie Perry -- as a little girl -- being fitted for a training bra that's connected to the power grid.

Explain yourself, Pharrell.

Come morning, I awoke--- cats still tucked in beside me, to find a note from Seth recounting how I'd been sleep-shouting about someone named Pharrell wearing hats that were much too big for his head and Taylor Swift having to flee an angry mob because she'd blocked their view by dancing like Elaine from Seinfeld all night long.

For the love of God, SIT DOWN!!!

Taylor made Elaine look like a great dancer.

Last night’s Grammys were jam-packed and, besides providing entertainment, proved that music has -- to a great extent -- become true performance art as well as that getting married on national television never seems to get old.

Before and after rinsing out the
conditioner.

The evening began with Beyonce who, as always, looked gorgeous although she apparently forgot to rinse the conditioner out of her hair before taking the stage.

Alternately slinky and ferocious, she was as pelvically inclined as ever and waved her behind-to-die for around randomly until Jay-Z joined her on stage. Then she rubbed it all over him not unlike a cat trying to leave its scent. At first glance, all seemed right but more and more I find that Miss Bee seems to have lost some of her spontaneity. 

Lately, her practiced fierceness seems in danger of  becoming a caricature. Has it just become old hat, are the demands of  leaving instructions for the nanny too much or has her Svengali of a husband  something to do with it? Jay Z, I do not trust you.

Perked up by Katie Perry and her incomprehensible mix of Christian imagery and witches burning at the stake, and later by Pink twisting high above the crowd in a reprise of her incarnation as a circus performer, I started to get into the show. 

I need a diaper change.

...and I need to be burped after my bottle.

Pink, in mid-air as a live-singing aerialist, avoided injury until, at one point, back on earth and writhing about with a six-pack packing dancer, flipped over and landed very awkwardly on her head.

I guarantee you that today she is spending time with a large tube of IcyHot and some Advil. If you noticed, she looked as if  in pain during the subsequent duet with the fabulous Nate Ruess of Fun. Nate grew a beard so that, after the show, he is no longer forcibly strapped into a high chair alongside Bruno Mars. Nate wanted to attend the after-parties rather than be given a bowl of dry Cheerios and a juice box by child protective services like last year.

I am told they both travel in car seats that have been strapped into their limos.


Speaking of youthful performers, Taylor Swift – at 24 – is not the young vixen she used to be.

Not to mention that after having bedded everyone in the Grammy audience both in the auditorium and at home, she now must rely on fewer carnal experiences about which to pen reproachful songs.

The word on the street is that her newest anthem of drama and hurt, "All Too Well," sung last night at the piano, is a result of an encounter gone wrong when she tried to get the key for the rest room while on the road during a recent tour. Not only did the gas station attendant fail to request a co-selfie with her but someone else was in there already and she had to wait a minute or so before going pee pee. An enraged Taylor held the hapless employee responsible for the ensuing discomfort and disappointment---hence, the new song.

In fact, Taylor had a lousy night yesterday. Not only did she lose a Grammy to a young country upstart named Kacey Musgraves but she was so freaked out by Kacey’s hot breath on her neck that she told a reporter that Lorde has been seeking her advice via text and that two are very close. Okay…and Al Gore really did invent the internet.

What's up with those nails, young lady?

As for Lorde, I admit that I love that insanely popular song, “Royals.” What I did not like was the black dye she dipped her fingers in before last night's performance. I am assuming this was an attempt to be avant garde, but with the Polar Vortex on everyone's mind, she appeared in the final stages of frostbite....or to have just come from casting multiple ballots in some former dictatorship.

Also, isn't she avant-garde enough?

Althougth, at 17, Lorde is quite a bit younger than Bruno and Nate, she appears far more mature and was admitted into all the after-parties without a problem. Rumor has it that she ignored Taylor Swift who followed her around like a puppy all night.

This summer I listened to the contagious “Blurred Lines” about a billion times----by choice. Who could resist that cheerful and fun/slutty theme (except for the family of Marvin Gaye)? It made me totally forget that Robin Thicke cannot sing. Sure he’s cute but so is my cat Buzzy.

Yep, there's the face.

Robin’s strengths are making a funny little face that works only if he’s prancing around with naked women wrapped in Saran and Pharrell (minus all hats) in their hit video. Showcased with the band Chicago, Thicke had nada except his hair and gorgeous wife, Paula Patton, smiling at him from the front row.

"I don't pay my taxes."

As for singing, it may be time for Merle Haggard to call it a career since he appeared to be stone cold dead last night. Willie Nelson, ever-cool with his fabulous braids, also appeared mildly catatonic but remained rebellious nonetheless.

Add in Kris Kristlfferson (think of him opposite Babsy Streisand in the third remake of “A Star is Born and you’ll be okay) as they tried to regain their outlaw status without the great Waylon Jennings and Johnny Cash. I’m happy to report that once an outlaw, always an outlaw--the audience was very into it all and cheerfully sang along.

"We are available for bar mitzvahs."

I almost forgot to mention the pair of orthodox rabbis in the audience who, upon closer inspection, turned out to be Yoko Ono and Sean Lennon. Seated as far as they were from Paul and Ringo, it is now official that Yoko did, indeed, break up the Beatles.

What did I enjoy, you ask?

Well, I loved John Legend, Gary Clarke, Jr. and his duet with Keith Urban, my home girl, Carol King and any and all sightings of the modest, humble and totally awesome Smokey Robinson. I also rocked out to the animatronic figures known as Daft Punk (best work by Disney since The Hall of Presidents) and Ringo Starr's performance of “Photograph" (I could swear that was Peter Frampton playing guitar behind him). I am also always happy to see Stevie Wonder although I still maintain that whoever dresses him and does his hair does not actually like him.

Now for the conclusion…both mine and at last night’s Grammys: I want to warn all Macklemore and Lewis (the music industry's Penn and Teller) fans right now---I totally hate them.



From Macklemore’s ridiculous hand jabbing while he performs, his smug demeanor and tedious “raps,” I could not have been more bored or annoyed during their song “Same Love” or by the line-up of idiots who chose to get married in the aisles.

Is that what you people want to remember as your special day--Taylor Swift flossing her teeth...Yoko Ono in a top hat...Queen Latifah (still in the closet, herself) officiating...and much, much worse, Madonna---dressed all in white, face so botoxed and implanted with silicone that she looked like a badly done wax figure -- as your wedding singer??

She wore white during the weddings...
this, on the red carpet.

People wondered if that cane Madonna (looking more like the Crypt Keeper than Diane Keaton at the Golden Globes) leaned upon, was a prop. I knew immediately that it wasn’t because as a woman of  the same age, I walk exactly that way when I first rise from my sarcophagus bed, myself.

Last night’s Grammys were moderately entertaining, often terrifying and more often than not, preachy, self-conscious and stilted. I 
cannot wait for next year!

This amazing version of "Royals" is my favorite....and very addictive.