My Review of the 2014 Primetime Emmys

Lena Dunham, under that skirt.

I have never hidden or denied that I love TV way too much for my own good.

Plus, this blog, from its inception, has faithfully reviewed award shows as though I were getting paid for it (if only) so why then did I not present a review for Monday night’s Emmys on Tuesday morning???

I’ll tell  you why---nothing all that much happened on the Emmys this year.

In addition, I was still in recovery from the previous evening's MTV Video Awards and, to be honest, I assumed no one would notice.

But I am both happy and somewhat annoyed to report that several of you have inquired as to where my Emmy review might be.

Thanks for asking. I think. But where are my notes?

There is a roll of toilet paper under
her skirt.

Think what you will but I take notes during awards shows lest a detail slips my mind and I forfeit an opportunity to be snarky when I am later seated and --  having flexed my fingers like Liberace at his baby grand -- ready to type my heart out here at my little desk in the corner.

My notes...right before I send them
to the Smithsonian.

But, yesterday I'd spent hours tidying up my desk which included corralling no less than 11 assorted lip balms into a zip-loc as well as chucking my Emmy notes right into the garbage.

Christina Hendricks.
Weird, beautiful
or both?

I had to fish them out but they were both soaked with, and partially disintegrated by coffee from this morning's unrepentant caffeine binge.

Luckily they were scrawled in Sharpie and I can still make them out. I am going to transcribe them almost exactly as written since the hour is very late and, according to some of you, so is my review. Ready?

Zoey and Allison.

• I am very proud of Seth Meyers.....liked him as anchor of SNL's Weekend Update...happy to see his career going well.
• Clear, horn-rimmed glasses are definitely trending right now. Good call, Fred Armisen, you weirdo.
• Hmmmm. Not so sure how well Seth Meyers actually is doing but I am still proud...kind of.
• Tony Hale (Arrested Development, Veep) is totally under-appreciated. Why?
• I hate Lena Dunham. 
• Am I the last to know that Hayden Panetierre is pregnant?? And who is responsible?
• When did Matt LeBlanc go gray?
• Uzo Aduba aka Crazy Eyes from "Orange is the New Black" looks great as herself.....not crazy at all.
• Jimmy Kimmel was so much better than Seth Meyers. Uh-oh.
• The camera just caught Lena Dunham saying “wow” (like an idiot) for the second time. Get over it, Dunham.
• Matthew McConaughey is just so darn pretty....a little off but definitely pretty. Is it the marijuana?
• Julia Louis Dreyfus simply does not age....gorgeous.
• Allison Williams (in a quirky dress) and Zooey Deschanel  (in simple and elegant) appear to be wearing each other’s clothes.
• Lena Dunham looks hideous as a blonde. Plus, I really hate her.
• Steven Colbert has two distinctly different ears*
• I love Laverne Cox.
• Who does that bitch Lena Dunham think she is?
• Oh, no. Even Jay Leno was funnier than Seth Meyers.
• The Amazing race wins again for best reality show??? How did the nominating committee forget about the single greatest reality show in the history of the medium---“Hardcore Pawn?”
• Who, in the name of Helena Rubinstein, did Lena Dunham’s make-up? I hate her.
• How good can Jim Parson really be to win the Emmy so many times?**
• Why is Lena Dunham dressed exactly like a toilet paper cover that someone's grandma crocheted in 1962?
• Damn, Louis CK looks great in a tux....who knew?
• Who exactly is Cary Joji Fukunaga and why am I strangely attracted to him?***
• Why does Brian Cranston have a porn-stache......I hope it’s for a role.
• Gwen Stefani is almost unrecognizable (More plastic surgery, Miss Hollaback, really?) and is a bit dumb, no?
• Why doesn't Jon Hamm marry his girlfriend of 15 years? Because he's Jon Hamm, that's why.
• Christina Hendricks is starting to weird me out......
• If I ever run into Lena Dunham on the street, I’m going to punch her smug little face right off.
• Why is Matthew McConaughey wearing so much self-tanner....is his wife too busy designing over-priced handbags for QVC to tell him to knock it off?
• Amy Poehler wasn’t all that funny tonight without her accomplice, Tina Fey, now was she? Ha.
• Could it be that I am jealous of  Lena Dunham?****
• Damn. Seth Meyers was awful.

Boom-chicka-wow-wow.

See. I told you....there were no wardrobe malfunctions, pretentious political statements or awful gaffes. Kathy Bates wore pants with a caftan. Ricky Gervais was under control. The status was very quo at the 2014 Emmys.

I hope something crazy happens at the Golden Globes next spring.

....something like this.

                                          * I actually googled Steven Colbert's asymmetrical ears. He is deaf in one as a result of a punctured ear drum. That, according to further research, however, should not have caused their lack of symmetry.

                                             ** I remain the only person alive who has never seen an episode of "The Big Bang Theory" and I plan to keep it that way. I have also never seen any of the Star Wars movies. There is no real intent behind either of these choices but now I want to keep my streak going.
                                             *** I realize my attraction to Cary Joji Fukunaga is purely narcissistic---his braids reminds me of myself when I was in second grade.
                                             ***** Yes. Extremely.

Cary Joji Fukunaga wearing his hair like I did when I was eight.
He is also the creator of "True Detective" on HBO.