911 Operator: “911, what’s
your emergency?”
Susan Says: “Kate
Winslet wants to kill me. Please hurry.”
911 Operator: “Kate Winslet? Isn’t she the one who got naked
in Titanic?”
Susan Says: “That’s the one.”
911 Operator: “Is she there now?”
Susan Says: “She sure
is.”
911 Operator: “Does she have a weapon?”
Susan Says: “No but she’s really frowning….and her eyes are
dead. It’s like something out of
Zombie Apocalypse.”
911 Operator: “Oh my God. So she’s in your home?”
Susan Says: “Well, actually, she’s in a fashion spread in
Saturday’s Wall Street Journal Magazine.”
911 Operator: “So, she’s not actually there?!”
Susan Says: “No, but I’m very scared. Remember, she let
Leonardo DiCaprio slide off into the ocean after promising she’d never let go.”
911 Operator: “Lady, that was a movie. It was very upsetting, though.”
Susan Says: “Well, now she’s looking really mean and wearing
awful clothes and I’m scared.”
911 Operator: “Ma’am, this number is for emergencies. I am
going to end this call.”
Susan Says: “Please don’t. I’m also scared of the rest of the
models in this issue. They’re all emaciated and look like zombies, too. Why do they think this kind of thing will
sell clothes??”
911 Operator: “To be honest, ma’am, I don’t understand that
myself. You’d think a smile and a little flesh on their bones would be more
enticing.”
Susan Says: “I know! Now do you understand why I’m scared?”
911 Operator: “Yes, but I am not sending the police. Why
don’t you have a nice snack. You’ll feel better.”
Susan Says: “I’ll tell you why! In another section of the
same paper, they’re carrying on about this amazing new chef but he’s only
making herring roe on kelp with charred dandelions!”
911 Operator: “God, no! That must have scared you more than
Kate Winslet’s dead eyes.”
Susan Says: “It sure did. I just want some onion rings.”
911 Operator: “Me, too, ma’am. Me, too.”
Susan Says: “Well, thanks for talking. I guess I can just
recycle the paper and put Kate Winslet face down.”
911 Operator: “You do that, ma’am. And please, next time
only call 911 in case of an emergency.”
Susan Says: “Okay. Sorry.”
911 Operator: “That’s alright, ma’am. Enjoy your onion
rings.”
