Kate Winslet Wants to Kill Me

911 Operator:  “911, what’s your emergency?”

Susan Says:  “Kate Winslet wants to kill me. Please hurry.”

911 Operator: “Kate Winslet? Isn’t she the one who got naked in Titanic?”

Susan Says: “That’s the one.”

911 Operator: “Is she there now?”

Susan Says:  “She sure is.”

911 Operator: “Does she have a weapon?”

Susan Says: “No but she’s really frowning….and her eyes are dead. It’s like something out of 

Zombie Apocalypse.”

911 Operator: “Oh my God. So she’s in your home?”

Susan Says: “Well, actually, she’s in a fashion spread in Saturday’s Wall Street Journal Magazine.”

911 Operator: “So, she’s not actually there?!”

Susan Says: “No, but I’m very scared. Remember, she let Leonardo DiCaprio slide off into the ocean after promising she’d never let go.”

911 Operator: “Lady, that was a movie. It was very upsetting, though.”

Susan Says: “Well, now she’s looking really mean and wearing awful clothes and I’m scared.”

911 Operator: “Ma’am, this number is for emergencies. I am going to end this call.”

Susan Says: “Please don’t. I’m also scared of the rest of the models in this issue. They’re all emaciated and look like zombies, too.  Why do they think this kind of thing will sell clothes??”

911 Operator: “To be honest, ma’am, I don’t understand that myself. You’d think a smile and a little flesh on their bones would be more enticing.”

Susan Says: “I know! Now do you understand why I’m scared?”

911 Operator: “Yes, but I am not sending the police. Why don’t you have a nice snack. You’ll feel better.”

Susan Says: “I’ll tell you why! In another section of the same paper, they’re carrying on about this amazing new chef but he’s only making herring roe on kelp with charred dandelions!”

911 Operator: “God, no! That must have scared you more than Kate Winslet’s dead eyes.”

Susan Says: “It sure did. I just want some onion rings.”

911 Operator: “Me, too, ma’am.  Me, too.”

Susan Says: “Well, thanks for talking. I guess I can just recycle the paper and put Kate Winslet face down.”

911 Operator: “You do that, ma’am. And please, next time only call 911 in case of an emergency.”

Susan Says: “Okay. Sorry.”

911 Operator: “That’s alright, ma’am. Enjoy your onion rings.”