Monday, September 26, 2011

Up in the Air, Part II: Drunks On a Plane

Some years back, when young(ish) mothers were forced to fly against their will with their small children and doctors were less likely to hand out Xanax as freely as homeless men, used to distribute flyers for peep shows on the streets of New York, "alternative fear alleviation tactics" ( or AFAT) had to implemented.

If one was not of the stiff-upper-lip-grin-and-bear-it-variety of young(ish) mother, one had to figure things out for oneself.

One mother with whom I share shoes, car keys, initials and a soul, saw an opportunity in the bright green plastic dinosaur canteen that her youngest son used for juice while joy-riding in his stroller. 
After all, wouldn't the pink plastic straw just as easily dispense red wine while giving the appearance of complete innocence?


Wouldn't this approach be less expensive as well as more efficient than bellying up to the airport bar with the other nervous flyers--the sour smell of their combined anxiety wafting upward and mingling in the stilted atmosphere of preflight terror?

Of course it would.

Could it not, just as easily, be hung around the sweaty neck of the nervous mama by it's plastic strap as slung over the shoulder of the small thirsty boy to whom it rightfully belonged?

Why, yes, most certainly. 

Would it not do it's job and enable the sipping scaredy cat to feel invincible as she stumbled across the threshhold of the airplane, averting her face from the flight attendant who welcomed her with a sunny smile, so as not to be suspected of total, freakin' public drunkeness?

Damn right.

There were a few problems connected to this method of fear management, however. 
One was that the total pain in the ass innocent child to whom this cunning little canteen belonged would repeatedly ask to drink "his juice" from it and could not be easily subdued after each of the young(ish) mother's repeated refusals.

Another was that when the small boy was no longer small, the no longer young(ish) mother looked completely out of her mind somewhat eccentric, sipping from a bright green, plastic dinosaur canteen in the airport.

These issues precipitated the personal discovery of Xanax, a frightened flyer's best well as the drug of choice often featured on the popular television show "Intervention."

Luckily the heroine of our tale exhibits no sign of an addictive nature as far as actual narcotics are concerned...only chocolate and cheese.

Tune in tomorrow for more about when one has no choice but to be "up in the air....."
I'm the one waving.


  1. In my humble opinion - as an interested observer - ANY person of any age who travels with young children DESERVES either drugs or alcohol.
    Childless fellow passengers often deserve both - depending on the behaviour of the children... :-)

  2. It seemed that every time our children had to fly with us they always had stuffy noses that required Benadryl. Go figure.

  3. Benadryl makes a great mixer in a preflight cocktail!