Friday, March 23, 2012

What Would Happen if You Call 911 When You Can't Sleep...

Operator: "911, what's the emergency?"
Me: "I can't sleep."
Operator: "Excuse me, did you say you can't sleep?"
Me: "Yes."
Operator: "That's not an emergency!"
Me: "Oh, really?"
Operator: "No, ma'am, it's not."
Me: "Tell that to the guy who's sleeping next to me."
Operator: "There's a guy sleeping next to you?"
Me: "Yep."
Operator: "An intruder?"
Me: "Nope."
Operator: "Then who is it?"
Me: "It's my husband."
Operator: "Your husband? Your husband is sleeping next to you?"
Me: "Yep."
Operator: "And exactly what is the problem, ma'am?"
Me: "He's sleeping. I'm not."
Operator: "Ma'am, I am going to hang up now. Unless you have an emergency. This is 911, it's for emergencies."
Me: "There's cat litter in the bed."
Operator: "Uh, what, ma'am?"
Me: "There. Is. Cat. Litter. In. The. Bed."
Operator: "I have to ask. Why is there cat litter in the bed, ma'am?"
Me: "I tracked it in on my feet."
Operator: "How did that happen, ma'am?"
Me: "I tracked it in on my goddam feet because I had to put a litter box in my bathroom because if I didn't, Fritzi would pee all over the house because the Mad Pooper bullies her."
Operator: "The Mad Pooper, ma'am? Who is that? I assume Fritzi is a cat..."
Me: "Yes. So is the Mad Pooper."
Operator (audibly sighing): "Ma'am. I repeat, this is not an emergency. Hang up and have a nice glass of water."
Me: "Water will make me pee and peeing is how I got cat cat litter in the bed in the first place."
Operator: "By peeing, ma'am??"
Me: "Yep. I got up to pee roughly 600 times last night and that's when I tracked in the cat litter."
Operator: "Come on, ma'am, that's not how many times you got up to pee."
Me: "You're right. It was more like 800 times."
Operator: "Ma'am...."
Me: "Plus, it's really hot in here."
Operator: "It is kind of warm, Ma'am. But some people like it."
Me: "I am not some people. I am kind of, well, in the change."
Operator: "Ahhhhhh, that explains it. Ma'am, you are right. This is an emergency. Listen to there any chocolate in the house?"
Me: "Yes, I bought some Easter chocolate but that sleeping bastard next to me said it's only for good little girls."
Operator: "Ignore him, ma'am. Go find it. Unwrap six small eggs and eat them immediately."
Me: "But it will keep me up."
Operator: "Ma'am...forget sleeping, this is an emergency."
Me: "That's why I called."
Operator: "Eat the chocolate. Then, by any chance, do you have any DVRed episodes of House Hunters?"
Me: "Actually, I do."
Operator: "Watch them. And don't yell at the screen when they complain about the paint color. You know as well as I do that's an easy fix."
Me: "I know. Why do they always complain about that."
Operator: "I don't know, ma'am. It is extremely annoying."
Me: "It sure is. But what I really want to do is hit the sleeping man with a rolling pin."
Operator: "You have a rolling pin? Is it the long skinny kind or the kind that actually rolls on a dowel?"
Me: "It's the long skinny kind. It belonged to my Grandma. I'm gonna use it..."
Operator: "No, ma'am, you are not. Do as I say. DO AS I SAY!"
Me: "Oh...okay."
Operator: "Do you promise?"
Me: "Yes."
Operator: "Right away!"
Me: "OKAY! Sheesh."
Operator: "Good luck, ma'am. Have a nice day."
Me: "Thanks, you too."


  1. LOLOLOLOLOLOL!! I'm gonna try this!

  2. This made me laugh out loud. I am planning on sharing this one.

  3. Lol. Love it!
    I hate it when they complain about the lack of two sinks in the bathroom. Or when they complain about no walk in closets but they want a historic craftsman style house in the middle of the city. Arrrggghhh!!!!

  4. This made me laugh out loud at work. Now people are looking at me. I would hit them with a rolling pin if I had one.

  5. I don't recommend it, Anon! I think if you actually do it, you might get put oj some kind of list...but thanks for laughing!

  6. I know, Michelle! It's next pet peeve is when they whine about the counters of the carpets!

  7. Carolina, I have a rolling pin you can use!

  8. Oh my God this is so damn funny. YOu need to write a book, or a column, or something that people have to pay to read. But until then thanks for the free entertainment :) awesome.

  9. Thanks, Anon...your comment made my day!

  10. that last anonymous comment was NOT from me... but it IS what I have been telling you for MONTHS!!!!
    (I'm not nagging, really I'm not... :-))

  11. Janet, wihtout fail, you ALWAYS make my day...thanks for the vote of confidence! XXXOOO