Thursday, April 19, 2012

Tabloid Thursday: Posh and Becks/Angie and Brad

It was Victoria Beckham's birthday the other day.

The media got their fix when it was observed that, for dessert, after a celebratory London lunch, she enjoyed a fruit plate instead of a piece of cake.

The Beckhams appear to be enjoying a happy marriage. In the world of smoke and mirrors inhabited by David and his former Spice Girl, however, it's very possible that it's all for show....just like Heidi and Seal who I believed were in it for the long haul.
"We're so happy!"

While the concept of a marital "long haul" is relative, Will and Jada also threw me for a loop when rumors of marital discord surfaced because they seemed to spend so much time talking abut how happy they were. 

I am not certain how I fell for that but I now understand that it's a red flag when you have to tell people how happy you are.

But the Beckhams have been at this marriage thing for a while now, recently had another baby and, after extensive (I have no life) inspection of their body language in photos, I have decided that there marriage is secure. At least for the time being.
"How did these
baseballs end
 up in my dress?"

It just so happens that I had been recently wondering what the glorious David sees in the non-smiling and stick-thin Victoria. Is it her mind? Her bolted on round and hard-as-baseballs boobs? Her catatonic stare? The slightly porcine tilt to her nose?

I prefer to think that their union is the same as any good began based on genuine attraction (although who wouldn't be attracted to David Beckham, come to think of it?) and is now a combination of friendship as well as romance.

This thought pleases me and causes me to regard Victoria with much more warmth than when I read think about the traveling circus known as Brangelina.

It appears that Brad is now engaged to that praying mantis of a woman who I believe has hynotized him with the same sort of humming and chafing that certain insects often use to captivate their mates. As far as a marriage goes, it will never, ever make it. Ever.

The divorce will be spectacular. It will make the televised news around the globe. In fact the networks will halt all regular programming for weeks to cover it from every angle and their faces will be on supermarket tabloids for an entire year.
Pretty but predatory

Angie will lose more weight in protest, shielding her eyes from the paparazzi's flash bulbs with a bony claw.

Brad, on the other hand, while too much of a gentleman to discuss the marriage, will appear happier and healthier than he has in years, his platelet count finally starting to renew itself after years of questionable foreplay with Vampira, Queen of Darkness.

But back to the Beckhams and her fruit platter. The media was gleeful over this and for a moment, so was Susan Says--imagining the fun I would make of this birthday aberration. But after I read that the fruit was enjoyed after a birthday lunch with Becks and the new baby, I rethought it all.
The fruit plate in

 I bet they they had cake later with the older kids.
The Beckham balloons
A notorious fashionista whose weight is her own damn business, I bet she enjoyed fruit earlier in the day so she could plunge her face into a slab of something more festive later in private.

They may have driven home from the restaurant in a Rolls but they had balloons and signs up in the living room just like any other family.

And, not to mention if my life included a few more fruit plates and less cake, well guess whose ass would be smaller?

Besides, when you have none other David Beckham living in your house, you really don't need cake, now do you, girls?


  1. Maybe Mrs. Beckham is an absolute delight at home?
    As for Angelina, I have always thought her whole life is an act. day her adopted kids will write a Mommy Dearest about her.

  2. He is so beautiful!!!

  3. Agree with the not needing cake comment. And I saw an interview with the two of them years ago in the UK and Posh was super cute and funny. Not at all the way she seems in the tabloids now. Maybe this is just her way of keeping her distance from the tabloid insanity.

  4. I don't know what is up with Victoria Beckham. She always looks like she has a case of terminal hemorrhoids. Someone should send her in inflatable doughnut.