Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Hide and Seek




Cleo says: "I
don't care."
Have you heard that an archeologist in Greece recently found the bones of Cleopatra's murdered half sister?

I had no idea they were missing but am very happy for him.

Unfortunately, while he was making a name for himself in Greece, I could find neither a bottle opener nor a pencil sharpener back here at home.

I had to resort to what my great aunt Margaret used to do for me when I was very little and needed my pencil sharpened.
If only.

C'mon, you remember. We all had a great aunt who did this...with a weird little knife pulled from a pocket she would savagely carve away the wood around the point thus creating a hideous atrocity that no longer looked like a pencil, much less had a usable or sharp point.


Only cavemen would have used that pencil, yet Margaret would hand it to me and then go back to washing clothes on a washboard in the sink.

The poor pencil, mangled by Margaret's knife, had been transformed into a freak and would eventually languish -- a relic of madness -- in the bottom of the kitchen junk drawer never to be heard from again.

Disfiguring a pencil was easier than opening my Mike's Hard Lemonade (flavor of berry) later that same day.

I tried the edge of a spoon, then the edge of the counter, and then a butter knife. I tried yelling at the cap but that got me nowhere and even tried my teeth, immediately grasping the certainty that thousands of dollars of dental work awaited if I didn't stop.
The best flavor, no?

I never got the Mike's open and it sits, abandoned and skunky, on the coffee table by the TV.

Wouldn't you agree that there are certain items that, no matter how many one hoards, can never be found when needed?

These include scissors, nail clippers, flash lights and those awful lighter thingies that will only work if you twirl a wheel with one finger while reciting a page from the Bhagavad Gita (in the original sanskrit) in addition to simultaneously squeezing a button as well as your own sphincter muscle....on a Wednesday...at noon.


Designed by Satan

Somewhere in this house, if I live long enough, I will find roughly 25 pairs of scissors, 75 flashlights, dozens of pencil sharpeners, several lighter thingies and over one million nail clippers.
None of us can find a nail clipper.


By then I won't be trusted to handle a scissor, won't remember what a flashlight is for, will have forgotten how to write, will have no need to light a grill because my only sustenance is Ensure sipped  through a bendy straw and will not give a damn about keeping my fingernails tidy since the day we find all these items will be the day the men in white will be coming to truss me up and take me to the home.
Thank goodness this has a flip top.
And the Mike's Hard Lemonade (flavor of berry) will still be unopened on the table by the TV.
Aunt Margaret could not do this.

Hello, Friends....if you enjoyed reading this, why not check out today's post? Just click on the title (in grey) and you'll be there in a snap...."Why Women are Better Off than Men."

12 comments:

  1. I have some of those pencils in a drawer somewhere too. Loved the post.

    ReplyDelete
  2. My grandfather used to sharpen pencils that way. And who uses pencils these days anyway?

    ReplyDelete
  3. Haha. All very true! I can never find scissors, but I have strategically placed lighters and bottle openers all over the apartment. Nothing will come between me and a glass of wine + a lighted candle!

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  11. I just stumbled in and was amazed by your blog, especially that spinning globe thing. I still use pencils, I'm a cabinet maker/woodworker and I carry a pocket knife. I did donate a pocket knife to the security people at the check-in to the Statue of Liberty last year so when they cart my off there will be one pocket knife short in the final inventory.
    Ed

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  12. Haha so great, and what every happened to the poor Mike's Hard Lemonade? (berry flavor is the best)

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