The Oscars 2013: Yep, it Really was that Bad.

I never knew how much I dislike Seth MacFarlane until I endured last night's marathon 85th Academy Awards.

This face is
begging for a good slap...

Admittedly, I own a huge cardboard cut-out of one of his many original cartoon characters, Stewie, from "Family Guy" but stopped watching the show when Lois, the mom had sex with Brian, the dog. This proved too much for even me.

As for Seth, himself, MacFarlane's weirdly flat affect, despite an acceptable singing voice, lends itself more to the one dimensional universe of voice-overs as opposed to hosting a high-profile show anticipated and watched by so many.

Ewwwwww.

His endless barbed jokes, aimed at the things like race, weight, and domestic violence fell flat a) because they simply were not funny at all and b) he lacks the credentials to poke fun at A-list Hollywood because, despite his successes, he's not an A-lister, himself.

He was unable to make me laugh even though, as is my personal Oscar night tradtion, I was hopped up on Chinese food and sugar and ready to be amused. 

Willing to give him a chance, he quickly lost me during the worst opening of an Academy Awards show in memory. He also proved, that, despite the century between Abe Lincoln's actual assassination and today, it's always too soon for a joke about a murdered president. 

I love watching the Academy Awards and have a long history of making it a special night with, originally, my movie-loving mama and then whichever of my sons I could successfully bribe so it's all the more disturbing when an evening is as awful as it was last night.

Richard Gere, The Joker, Queen Latifah

Movies aside, I am always gleeful to report o the plastic surgery and cosmetic procedures which are often unveiled on the Oscars' stage. Last night was no exception: Poor Renee Zellweger was the most memorable. Clearly unable to accept a shift from her already extended ingenue status to the more mature segment of her career, she won for the evening's most unfortunate face.

Of course I know there are fewer roles for the aging actress but there comes a moment when it must be self-acknowledged. Renee, once a lovely woman, has descended into botox madness to become a shiny faced robot who can display absolutely no emotion. Last night, she appeared to be suffering from some sort of mental paralysis as well. During an award presentation, Richard Gere was both feeling her up and preventing her from falling, face first, to the floor.

There comes
a time in the career of
all beautiful women...

Catherine Zeta Jones, while eternally gorgeous, has had some recent tweaking based on my personal criteria: if you no longer look like yourself, you have been messed with. There also comes an age when women need to refrain from wearing bustiers and fishnets in public.

For those who are about to attack me, I readily admit that I reached that age about one hundred years ago yesterday and get winded while chopping onions for soup so I don't begrudge even her out-of synch lip-synching while reviving the most boring number from the musical "Chicago."

Shirley Bassey, for those of you who do not remember her smoldering recording of "Goldfinger back in the 60's, not only looked -- though definitely botoxed-out -- and sounded good while Barbra Streisand (the best surprise of the evening) appeared to have come directly from the plastic surgeon's recovery chambers.

Babsie, looking
"different."

Having recently seen her, there were definitely renovations around the under-chin area. Her fashion choice of a choker-style necklace hid the bolts in her neck and called attention to her age-inappropriate tightness. I forgive Barbra (and Cher) just about anything and was very happy to see -- and hear -- her.

What does
R-Pat see in this zombie?

What the apparently dead and disheveled Kristin Stewart lacked in energy, the anorexic and dangerously over-stimulated Kristin Chenoweth made up for in both her manic red carpet appearance as well as her song for the "losers" at the show's finale.

Anne in her apron.

Ann Hathaway dressed in a satin apron with oddly placed darts sickened me to the point where I had to hold my egg roll to my temples when, cradling her (deserved) award, she cooed, "It came true." It was a rehearsed vomit-inducing moment that almost negated her fabulous performance In Les Miserables.

The most graceful
fall ever.

As far as young actresses are concerned, I was very impressed by Jennifer Lawrence's graceful recovery from her fall as she attempted to take the stage to receive her best actress prize.

One of my own great fears is falling in public and, if that had been me, I would rolled back down the stairs and continued rolling until I crashed through the doors of the theater, out into the Hollywood twilight, never to be seen again as my momentum carried me to distant lands.

As for other highlights of the evening, there was Daniel Day Lewis' traditionally humble acceptance of his third (and record-breaking) award for best actor, Meryl Streep's matriarchal dignity and Helen Hunt's expression as the camera revealed her unabashed disgust during Seth MacFarlane's unbearable opening act. I felt your pain, Helen...and you were great in "The Sessions."

You know it's a terrible night when the abrasive and creepy Quentin Tarantino comes across, comparatively, as good-natured and likable.

My only hope is that the talented Melissa McCarthy and the post-baby Adele cornered that smartass MacFarlane in the alley behind the theater and taught him a painful lesson about about making a fat joke at the Academy Awards.

This photo is not relevant but it's just so pretty.