Big Talk

Seth recently accused me of being overly dramatic in my language.

If my immediate response to this hadn't been a threat to drive the crochet hook I was using at the time, through my eye, I might have said he was crazy.

Later that very day, he invited me to join him on a brisk walk in order to get some exercise and my answer, verbatim (I swear this is true), was: "I'd rather have a flock of wild flamingos peck out my eyeballs."*

I reluctantly agreed, at that moment, that Seth might be on to something.

I have always used big language. After all, words have always historically been the most powerful tool. How the Kardashians ever got so rich without the ability to use them is beyond me.**

Speaking of which, many years ago when I was still young and stupid enough to think of myself as "cool," I bought a t-shirt with a message on the front that read "The pen is mightier than the sword."

The t-shirt was similar to this one.

I loved wearing this shirt. First because I was totally pretentious at the time and thought it was an apt, funky, hip message and second, because people really seemed to take notice when I wore it.

It took over a year to realize that this shirt, when worn by a woman with womanly parts, squeezed the words "pen" and "is" into one word. And that word, of course, is "penis."

In essence, I had been prancing smugly all over NYC with a shirt that read "The penis mightier than the sword."

Perhaps, my hyperbolic inclinations can be traced back to this exact moment of unwelcome clarity. Perhaps my surprise was so great that something snapped in my brain and I tended toward crazy talk from that moment on.

Who knows.

But along with the plan for more fiber in my diet, less TV and to stop trawling for shoes on the Zappos website (but they ship overnight for no extra charge!) on a regular basis, I am going to try to communicate in a less extreme, more mature manner.

For example--instead of calling someone a "lunatic," I will call them "enthusiastic." "Charming" will replace "stupid"  and "fun-loving" will take over for "deranged."

Maybe this will all have a calming effect on me. Hopefully so because I certainly am not looking forward to it. 

Colorful language as well as the use of pure, antic profanity is just so much fun but my family will, no doubt, feel more comfortable when introducing me to new friends (old friends are used to it) knowing that I have undertaken this attempt to transform.

And, heaven knows, I only want those enthusiastic, charming, fun-lovers to be proud of me.

*You will note that each statement involves doing harm to my eyes. While I think that was merely coincidental, I will try to be aware and give equal time to my spleen and tonsils in the future.

** First negative Kardashian reference of 2012.