So That Explains It! My Shampoo Is Making Me Fat!

Funny...I thought it was just that cheese at midnight.

Or the fact that I jump in the car rather than walk up the slight incline to the mailbox.

But, like many things in today's society that are no longer anyone's fault, neither is weight gain. What a relief.

Pass the smoked gouda.

It turns out that a bunch of, more than likely, overweight scientists and madcap nacho-loving researchers have decided that the pervasive presence of certain chemicals in our daily lives is causing our hormones to -- and I apologize for the highly technical term I am about to direct at you, the laymen -- go wig-wag wacky.

"Obesogens" is not the name of a new Indie rock band. It's the clever term used for chemicals that disrupt the delicate balance between our endocrine system and that baked brie with walnuts--wreaking havoc with our internal gauges, causing even those who exercise and watch what they eat, to grow fatter. Did you hear me, Victoria Beckham?

"No, she said Victoria Beckham,
not me!"

Whew! I knew there had to be a reason other than total lack of self control and a sluggish nature. It's not my fault! If only I could still do a cartwheel.

Unfortunately,these chemicals are everywhere...including in the plastic of the water bottles we keep on hand in order to follow the advice of yesterday's big news and keep healthy through hydration.

Okay, we have to stop drinking water.

"Mind your own beeswax.
She never mentioned me."

We are also advised to avoid cosmetics, soaps and shampoos that contain these endocrine disruptors and purchase only chemical free items in health stores or pricey boutiques at the mall. Fabulous!

...but I'm thin!

Who can afford this? Not me. Can you? So, how about if we just cut down on the number of showers we take? What's a little B.O. and greasy hair between friends, especially if we all get thinner?

I am naively hoping that the FDA will eventually eliminate these toxins from the multitude of products we use on a daily basis but the key word here is naive. It's not going to happen.

Profits and greed will ensure that we remain dependent upon the less costly, mass produced products that are telling our hormones that only one creme brulee after a large dinner is not enough.

Combine all this with the daily woes of unemployment, horrifying world events and the nihilistic rage I experience every time I see Michele Obama in a sundress, and you create a hamster wheel of comfort eating.

Well, hello. I have great arms and you do not.

But the difference is that now I understand it all. Let's discuss it over lunch at the Cheesecake Factory in about an hour.

l'll be the really thirsty one with the B.O. and a baseball cap pulled over my filthy hair.