No Snow This Year? You Can Thank Me.

Remember how last year, I took the blame for some very extreme weather Mother Nature dropped on us here in the northeast?

Specifically, I was distraught about the post-Christmas Day blizzard that shut down the tri-state area and wrought havoc from New England down to the mid-atlantic states.

I blamed myself because I had flippantly voiced a desire for a snowstorm that would "cripple the northeast." I did not count on the babies born in vestibules, city residents being snowed in for a week, the scores of emergencies that police could not reach due to blocked streets....I was very, very sorry I'd angered the snow gods with my arrogance.

The good news is that, inadvertently, I saved you all this year, suckas!

No, no! I said
Queen Latifah, not
John Travolta...

Yep, just as last years snow-pocalypse in the northeast was undeniably my doing, so is this years's winter of mild temperatures and lack of snow.

Yaktrax!

Why am I sure it's me and not the meteorological phenomena (wind currents, the earth's axis, Queen Latifah's breast reduction are all, supposedly, to blame) that weathermen have yapping about now for the past few week?

Easy: I spent good money on two pairs of Yaktrax at Costco. One for me. One for Seth.

Even Vanilla Ice
slips on ice.

Last year I wasted a lot of time lying on my back in my driveway. Not by choice...I would usually end up that way after some sort of spectacular fall involving the several-inches-thick ice on the driveway.

Agile and balletic as I am, I am no match for slick conditions and  would fall almost every time I stepped out of the garage.

So does Ice Cube.

This led to a period of self-imposed incarceration which translated to added poundage and distorted notions about reality (I thought I was Queen Latifah) so, when I saw these ice-busting babies advertised, I knew they were meant for me.

Little did I know that I would also be saving the region from a bad winter.

It's the same theory of deciding to carry an umbrella when rain is predicted: If the rain gods spot your umbrella, they are denied the fun of watching you enter your office soaked to the skin, or -- if it's summer -- seeing your underwear through your clothing. When they see that umbrella, they take their bag of tricks and go home.

Yaktrax at work

The same applies to ice and these magical shoes. For the past week, so convinced am I that they have chased away the ice spirits that I've taken to holding them aloft on a daily basis and waving them at the sky. And no, nothing makes my neighbors raise an eyebrow any more. They've seen it all.

So far, so good. Even after a light dusting of snow was deposited on my area this morning, the temperatures have risen and everything is melting away. No ice.

You are very welcome America.* After last year, it's the least I can do.

* I do, however, apologize to ski resorts, snowmobile dealerships and the entire cast of  "Jackass."