Operator: "911, what's the emergency?"
Me: "I can't sleep."
Operator: "Excuse me, did you say you can't sleep?"
Me: "Yes."
Operator: "That's not an emergency!"
Me: "Oh, really?"
Operator: "No, ma'am, it's not."
Me: "Tell that to the guy who's sleeping next to me."
Operator: "There's a guy sleeping next to you?"
Me: "Yep."
Operator: "An intruder?"
Me: "Nope."
Operator: "Then who is it?"
Me: "It's my husband."
Operator: "Your husband? Your husband is sleeping next to you?"
Me: "Yep."
Operator: "And exactly what is the problem, ma'am?"
Me: "He's sleeping. I'm not."
Operator: "Ma'am, I am going to hang up now. Unless you have an emergency. This is 911, it's for emergencies."
Me: "There's cat litter in the bed."
Operator: "Uh, what, ma'am?"
Me: "There. Is. Cat. Litter. In. The. Bed."
Operator: "I have to ask. Why is there cat litter in the bed, ma'am?"
Me: "I tracked it in on my feet."
Operator: "How did that happen, ma'am?"
Me: "I tracked it in on my goddam feet because I had to put a litter box in my bathroom because if I didn't, Fritzi would pee all over the house because the Mad Pooper bullies her."
Operator: "The Mad Pooper, ma'am? Who is that? I assume Fritzi is a cat..."
Me: "Yes. So is the Mad Pooper."
Operator (audibly sighing): "Ma'am. I repeat, this is not an emergency. Hang up and have a nice glass of water."
Me: "Water will make me pee and peeing is how I got cat cat litter in the bed in the first place."
Operator: "By peeing, ma'am??"
Me: "Yep. I got up to pee roughly 600 times last night and that's when I tracked in the cat litter."
Operator: "Come on, ma'am, that's not how many times you got up to pee."
Me: "You're right. It was more like 800 times."
Operator: "Ma'am...."
Me: "Plus, it's really hot in here."
Operator: "It is kind of warm, Ma'am. But some people like it."
Me: "I am not some people. I am kind of, well, in the change."
Operator: "Ahhhhhh, that explains it. Ma'am, you are right. This is an emergency. Listen to me...is there any chocolate in the house?"
Me: "Yes, I bought some Easter chocolate but that sleeping bastard next to me said it's only for good little girls."
Operator: "Ignore him, ma'am. Go find it. Unwrap six small eggs and eat them immediately."
Me: "But it will keep me up."
Operator: "Ma'am...forget sleeping, this is an emergency."
Me: "That's why I called."
Operator: "Eat the chocolate. Then, by any chance, do you have any DVRed episodes of House Hunters?"
Me: "Actually, I do."
Operator: "Watch them. And don't yell at the screen when they complain about the paint color. You know as well as I do that's an easy fix."
Me: "I know. Why do they always complain about that."
Operator: "I don't know, ma'am. It is extremely annoying."
Me: "It sure is. But what I really want to do is hit the sleeping man with a rolling pin."
Operator: "You have a rolling pin? Is it the long skinny kind or the kind that actually rolls on a dowel?"
Me: "It's the long skinny kind. It belonged to my Grandma. I'm gonna use it..."
Operator: "No, ma'am, you are not. Do as I say. DO AS I SAY!"
Me: "Oh...okay."
Operator: "Do you promise?"
Me: "Yes."
Operator: "Right away!"
Me: "OKAY! Sheesh."
Operator: "Good luck, ma'am. Have a nice day."
Me: "Thanks, you too."
LOLOLOLOLOLOL!! I'm gonna try this!
ReplyDeleteThis made me laugh out loud. I am planning on sharing this one.
ReplyDeleteLol. Love it!
ReplyDeleteI hate it when they complain about the lack of two sinks in the bathroom. Or when they complain about no walk in closets but they want a historic craftsman style house in the middle of the city. Arrrggghhh!!!!
This made me laugh out loud at work. Now people are looking at me. I would hit them with a rolling pin if I had one.
ReplyDeleteI don't recommend it, Anon! I think if you actually do it, you might get put oj some kind of list...but thanks for laughing!
ReplyDeleteThanks, NY!! I appreciate it!
ReplyDeleteI know, Michelle! It's crazy...my next pet peeve is when they whine about the counters of the carpets!
ReplyDeleteCarolina, I have a rolling pin you can use!
ReplyDeleteOh my God this is so damn funny. YOu need to write a book, or a column, or something that people have to pay to read. But until then thanks for the free entertainment :) awesome.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Anon...your comment made my day!
ReplyDeletethat last anonymous comment was NOT from me... but it IS what I have been telling you for MONTHS!!!!
ReplyDelete(I'm not nagging, really I'm not... :-))
XXXOOO
Janet, wihtout fail, you ALWAYS make my day...thanks for the vote of confidence! XXXOOO
ReplyDelete