What Would Happen if You Call 911 When You Can't Sleep...

Operator: "911, what's the emergency?"

Me: "I can't sleep."

Operator: "Excuse me, did you say you can't sleep?"

Me: "Yes."

Operator: "That's not an emergency!"

Me: "Oh, really?"

Operator: "No, ma'am, it's not."

Me: "Tell that to the guy who's sleeping next to me."

Operator: "There's a guy sleeping next to you?"

Me: "Yep."

Operator: "An intruder?"

Me: "Nope."

Operator: "Then who is it?"

Me: "It's my husband."

Operator: "Your husband? Your husband is sleeping next to you?"

Me: "Yep."

Operator: "And exactly what is the problem, ma'am?"

Me: "He's sleeping. I'm not."

Operator: "Ma'am, I am going to hang up now. Unless you have an emergency. This is 911, it's for emergencies."

Me: "There's cat litter in the bed."

Operator: "Uh, what, ma'am?"

Me: "There. Is. Cat. Litter. In. The. Bed."

Operator: "I have to ask. Why is there cat litter in the bed, ma'am?"

Me: "I tracked it in on my feet."

Operator: "How did that happen, ma'am?"

Me: "I tracked it in on my goddam feet because I had to put a litter box in my bathroom because if I didn't, Fritzi would pee all over the house because the Mad Pooper bullies her."

Operator: "The Mad Pooper, ma'am? Who is that? I assume Fritzi is a cat..."

Me: "Yes. So is the Mad Pooper."

Operator (audibly sighing): "Ma'am. I repeat, this is not an emergency. Hang up and have a nice glass of water."

Me: "Water will make me pee and peeing is how I got cat cat litter in the bed in the first place."

Operator: "By peeing, ma'am??"

Me: "Yep. I got up to pee roughly 600 times last night and that's when I tracked in the cat litter."

Operator: "Come on, ma'am, that's not how many times you got up to pee."

Me: "You're right. It was more like 800 times."

Operator: "Ma'am...."

Me: "Plus, it's really hot in here."

Operator: "It is kind of warm, Ma'am. But some people like it."

Me: "I am not some people. I am kind of, well, in the change."

Operator: "Ahhhhhh, that explains it. Ma'am, you are right. This is an emergency. Listen to me...is there any chocolate in the house?"

Me: "Yes, I bought some Easter chocolate but that sleeping bastard next to me said it's only for good little girls."

Operator: "Ignore him, ma'am. Go find it. Unwrap six small eggs and eat them immediately."

Me: "But it will keep me up."

Operator: "Ma'am...forget sleeping, this is an emergency."

Me: "That's why I called."

Operator: "Eat the chocolate. Then, by any chance, do you have any DVRed episodes of House Hunters?"

Me: "Actually, I do."

Operator: "Watch them. And don't yell at the screen when they complain about the paint color. You know as well as I do that's an easy fix."

Me: "I know. Why do they always complain about that."

Operator: "I don't know, ma'am. It is extremely annoying."

Me: "It sure is. But what I really want to do is hit the sleeping man with a rolling pin."

Operator: "You have a rolling pin? Is it the long skinny kind or the kind that actually rolls on a dowel?"

Me: "It's the long skinny kind. It belonged to my Grandma. I'm gonna use it..."

Operator: "No, ma'am, you are not. Do as I say. DO AS I SAY!"

Me: "Oh...okay."

Operator: "Do you promise?"

Me: "Yes."

Operator: "Right away!"

Me: "OKAY! Sheesh."

Operator: "Good luck, ma'am. Have a nice day."

Me: "Thanks, you too."