Thursday, August 30, 2012

Marriage, ESP and X-Ray Vision

Several days ago I was in the bedroom with Seth as he prepared, with first graders everywhere, for his early bedtime. As he yawned and clapped in anticipation of a good night's sleep and I folded the last few pieces of laundry in the basket, we heard a great clattering from down the hall.

"What's happening in the kitchen?" Seth asked me.

Amazingly I wasn't able to tell him...since I was not in the kitchen. I was in the bedroom with him.

I turned to give him the how-in-the-name-of Justin-Bieber's-undescended-testicles-should-I-know look but he was tired and had worked a long day so I gave him a break, calmly answered, "I have no idea," and went to check. It turns out that Buzzy had knocked something off the table.
"Hey, that was not very nice!"
A few days earlier, we had been chatting in the kitchen and enjoying an unexpected breeze as it drifted in from the open window. Suddenly, a great outburst of barking arose from outside and Seth asked me,"What's happening out there? Who's doing all that barking?"

Yet again, I had no answer.

There were two walls between me and the outside world and having not yet acquired the power to penetrate solid objects with my magic eyes, I knew exactly what Seth knew: nothing . I was in a good mood thanks to that cooling breeze and, again, let it pass and went to check.

It appeared to be some sort of conference between several of the regularly walked dogs in the neighborhood. No one was getting mauled or eaten so, deducing that there was no need to dial 911, I returned to the kitchen and reported my findings.

Then just yesterday, Seth and I were in the car on our way home when an ambulance, siren screaming, suddenly appeared behind us. He swung neatly to the side of the road as we've been taught, turned to me and asked, "Where is he going?"

Having neither a police scanner nor any recent manifestations of ESP -- other than a brief vision predicting that Joe Biden is sure to say something moronic again soon --  I had no idea.

Since the driver did not think to pull over and lean from his window to inform me as to his destination, I was as clueless as the husband who apparently has imbued me with qualities of x-ray vision and a sixth sense...yet my job description and pay scale do not contain the term or earning potential of "oracle."

There was no cool breeze that day. Seth was rested and at ease--why hold back? And so I did what any testy bitch normal wife would do under similar circumstances and shouted "HOW THE %$#*&% SHOULD  I KNOW?"

Unaware of any possible problem, my eruption startled Mr. Innocent who looked at me with such surprise and disappointment in my bad behavior that I immediately felt terribly guilty and apologized.
The moral of this story and accompanying universal truth is simply this: Sometimes men being married is weird.

Weird? Why would you say that?


  1. I highly recommend avoiding investigation and answering the questions immediately - that's what I did/do.

    1. What's happening in the kitchen? - only the shadow knows.
    2. Who's doing all that barking? - perhaps the hounds of baskerville.
    3. Where's HE going? - to hell in a hand basket, if he's not careful.

    Of course, my dear, SusieQ, you are still married and I, alas, am not.

    Soooo...keep it weird!

    Shiela in Texas :-)

    1. Sheila - Are you from Austin?

  2. Lol. I do this to my hubby.

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