Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Laissez Les Bon Temps Rouler Means Do Not Eat the Fried Butter Balls!


Hey, if you enjoyed this post, you might want to read what I wrote this morning...just click the title (in grey) and you shall be magically transported to my most recent post: "Why Women are Better off than Men."


It's Mardi Gras and I am out raising hell, so please accept this timely archived post in honor of today's traditional festivities...

I used to think I had already come face to face with the killer sandwich of all time.

used to think of it as the widowmaker, the equalizer, the King of the Sandwich World that would clog your arteries in record time but allow you to die with a smile.

I was wrong.

Ironically, since today is Mardi Gras, it was in the French Quarter of New Orleans where I was lucky enough to be introduced to the muffaletta. I can feel my rings getting tight at the mere mention of its name.....

The muffaletta, a delicious and exotic creation invented by people far greater than ourselves, sounds like what it is: a combination of something to be eaten and something to wear -- in this case, a blood pressure cuff and a heart monitor.


Imagine several layers of succulent Italian meats and cheeses piled atop a thick, salty layer of olive salad and packed under the sheltering dome of a huge round loaf, cut into quarters and intended for four. Whew!

Four? I think not.

My son Charlie and I, legendary aficionados of all things intended for four but only enough for two, stared at one another in disbelief as the oil trickled down our chins and the sodium infused our blood streams. "Does something this good really exist or are we dreaming?"

I thought this sandwich was the grand daddy of all heart-stoppers until clicking around on the Food Channel yesterday and coming face to face with Paula Deen, the white-maned grande dame of death by food, and a sandwich she'd made to share with people she wants to kill lady friends at brunch.

Someone should look for those women because, if still alive, they are in immediate need of  defibrulators.
Happy or homicidal?

Innocently dubbed the "Brunch Burger," picture a juicy hamburger topped by a fried egg and bacon and squeezed between two Krispy Kreme glazed donuts. If you are still able to stand without leaning on the shoulder of a paramedic for support, then you have not actually visualized this tower of calories, fat and cholesterol. There is risk in even gazing upon its image in a photograph.

Honestly, is Paula kidding?

No one loves salty and sweet more than I. I sniff PayDay candy bars like fine cigars at the check-out counter and dip pretzel rods into chocolate, pretending to give them as gifts at holiday time. I even loved the recent duet between Shakira and Beyonce but this sandwich made me tremble...and not in a good way.

Paula's brunch menu was topped off by a yogurt and fruit parfait meant solely to distract us from the fact that a Cardiovascular SWAT team, armed with pacemakers and led by Doctor OZ, was surrounding her home in Savannah just as the credits were starting to roll.

Apparently Paula has decided to cut to the chase. Why bother sneaking a pound of butter into a recipe when you can simply kill us with a sandwich?

It gets worse.

Paula also offers a recipe for deep fried butter balls.

The reviews for recipes on the Food Network's website is one of the last bastion's of civility on the internet. Cooks and foodies convene in cyber space to cheerfully discuss their pursuits in the kitchen.Or, so I thought.

This time there was in-fighting and hostility among the reviewers.The comments swung from accusations that attempted to re-polarize the northern and southern portions of the United States as well as some barely coherent rants which I blame on the effect of the butter balls, themselves.

How could anyone think straight after popping a few of those babies?

Since it's Mardi Gras today, I want to send a special shout-out to my Louisiana family and friends who all have Ph.D.s in  personality, charisma and hospitality. Not to mention good looks. We miss you and hope to see you before the muffalettas get us.  

To all my readers: Go out and eat something you might not normally enjoy on a regular day. If you're not lucky enough to be down in New Orleans today, buy the ingredients for a muffaletta and make one yourself. Or, head to Krispy Kreme but don't tell me what you do with the doughnuts you buy. 

Afterwards, in honor of the traditions of the Crescent City, stand by your front window and expose yourselves to the neighborhood. When the police show up, simply remind them that it's Mardi Gras today.

But stay away from fried butter balls. Or Dr. Oz and the SWAT team may show up at your door and I've heard that he never, ever changes those scrubs he we

17 comments:

  1. Why users still make use of to read news papers
    when in this technological world the whole thing is presented on web?


    My web page: female hair loss hormones

    ReplyDelete
  2. My brother suggested I might like this website. He was entirely right.
    This post truly made my day. You cann't imagine just how much time I had spent for this information! Thanks!

    Feel free to surf to my weblog - home fitness workouts without weights
    My website :: home fitness program reviews

    ReplyDelete
  3. You made some decent points there. I checked on the web for more
    info about the issue and found most people will go along with your views on this website.


    Stop by my web-site; browse around this website

    ReplyDelete
  4. Can you tell us more about this? I'd care to find out more details.

    Have a look at my web-site - bowflex dumbbells

    ReplyDelete
  5. Hi there, all is going sound here and ofcourse every
    one is sharing information, that's really good, keep up writing.

    My site ... how to lose weight quickly

    ReplyDelete
  6. I'm really enjoying the theme/design of your weblog. Do you ever run into any browser compatibility issues? A number of my blog visitors have complained about my site not working correctly in Explorer but looks great in Safari. Do you have any recommendations to help fix this problem?

    Here is my webpage :: golf tips and hints

    ReplyDelete
  7. Hey would you mind letting me know which web host you're using? I've
    loaded your blog in 3 completely different web browsers
    and I must say this blog loads a lot faster then most. Can you recommend a good internet hosting provider at a fair price?
    Thank you, I appreciate it!

    Check out my web page ... search engine optimisation seo

    ReplyDelete
  8. Thanks in favor of sharing such a nice opinion, piece of writing is pleasant, thats why
    i have read it entirely

    Also visit my web site Article Directories

    ReplyDelete
  9. It's actually very complicated in this busy life to listen news on Television, therefore I just use internet for that purpose, and get the hottest information.

    Here is my website - payday advance no fax

    ReplyDelete
  10. Keep this going please, great job!

    Feel free to visit my blog post muscle building powder

    ReplyDelete
  11. This page really has all the information and facts I wanted
    about this subject and didn't know who to ask.

    Here is my blog; seo tools in keyword research

    ReplyDelete
  12. Hello, Neat post. There is a problem along with your website in internet explorer,
    would check this? IE nonetheless is the marketplace chief and a big component of other folks will pass
    over your fantastic writing due to this problem.

    Feel free to visit my web page browse around this web-site

    ReplyDelete
  13. It's difficult to find educated people on this topic, but you sound like you know what you're talking
    about! Thanks

    Also visit my web site: individual reputation management

    ReplyDelete
  14. Al-Mu'akh-khir (The Delayer) He Has the Power to Delay any affair that He desires. The word, all that is said and taught belongs to Him. it does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work.

    Also visit my homepage islamic education and research academy

    ReplyDelete
  15. Thanks for the good writeup. It in fact was a enjoyment account
    it. Look complicated to far introduced agreeable from you!
    However, how can we keep up a correspondence?

    Look into my blog post; plumbing heating asheville nc

    ReplyDelete
  16. Asking questions are genuinely good thing if you are not understanding something completely,
    but this post gives fastidious understanding yet.



    Also visit my homepage Erotic Massage in London ()

    ReplyDelete
  17. Thanks , I have jսst been searching fоr infօrmation aρproximately tɦis subject foг
    a while ɑnd yourѕ iis tҺe best I've discovered ѕo far.

    But, what in гegards tο thе bottom line? Are you positive aƅout the source?


    Feel free to visit my blog :: phentermine

    ReplyDelete