Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Cooking with Cleavage..or, a Series of Important Questions Regarding the Food Network


Why does Giada DeLaurentiis smile so much while she’s cooking? Why are her teeth so white and her head so huge? Why does she cook with so much cleavage exposed?  If having lots of cleavage earns you a good kitchen, why is mine so crappy?  Why does Ina Garten laugh so much when anyone enters her home?  Why must she kiss visitors hello and goodbye when there’s only a few minutes between their arrival and departure?  Why must she make such a loud “smacking” sound when she kisses them and why does she pose so many compliments to her own cooking in the form of a question? Why are the Neelys so damn horny when they’re cooking? Why does Mr. Neely continually refer to himself as “Big Papa?” Do I really want the answer to that question? Why is Alton Brown so skinny? Does he not like his own cooking? Why are Sunny Anderson’s wig and ass getting so big? If big asses earn you a great kitchen, why is mine so crappy? Why does Sandra Lee insist on a different “table-scape” for each meal?  How many trips to the fabric store can someone make in one lifetime? Does she get a discount on remnants? Why do we accept “table-scape” as a legitimate term in the English language? Why doesn’t she wear a better support bra? Can’t she afford one?  Is she too tipsy from the cocktails she makes on TV to get into the car and drive to the mall to buy one? Where has Emeril’s neck gone?  If having no neck earns you a great kitchen, why is mine so crappy?  Why is Bobby Flay so smug all the time?  Who does he think he is to constantly challenge people with “throw-downs?” Why don’t they punch his lights out? If being a smart-ass earns you a great kitchen, why is mine so crappy? Why do we accept “throw-down” as a legitimate term in the English language? Why does Rachel Ray take so many things out of the fridge at one time? Why does she call sandwiches “sammys?” Why do we not storm the Food Network studios with torches and pitchforks because of this? If making up words earns you a great kitchen, why is mine so crappy? Why are Paula Deen’s sons always hanging around their mother’s house? Don’t they have jobs of their own? Why aren’t my sons here more often? Why does Paula wear so many diamond rings while cooking? Has one ever fallen into a pot? Has she ever baked one into a pie? If so, did anyone break a tooth? How come she never trips on that dog? Why have I never, ever heard anyone else with an accent like that? Is it possible she comes from another planet? How come on Chopped no one ever grabs Ted by the skinny neck-tie and swings him around a few times for being an annoying know-it-all? If being an annoying know-it-all earns you a great kitchen, why is mine so crappy? How come the losers always leave so docilely when they’re chopped? Does Anne Burrell stick her finger in a light socket to get her hair like that? Why did Tyler Florence’s marriage break up? Is he lonely? If being lonely earns you a great kitchen, why is mine so crappy?  Why is Robert Irvine so muscular? Who needs to have arms like to cook? Could Ina Garten take him in a fight? 

If anyone can answer any of these, please let me know immediately.



    Can I say I second the cleavage question????

  2. Hilarious! simple has to do with FOOD!!!

  3. Thanks, Doe and Katie for your comments! Cleavage, food--my head is spinning! Thanks for reading!

  4. Laughed till I cried. You have put all of my thoughts into very well-written words. Loved it!

  5. I read this out loud to my family and they couldn't stop laughing. This was great!