That kid Zuckerberg is going to screw me up good. I am a newbie to this crazy world of "social media." My Facebook account only extends backwards for a few months and was born in the dark despair of a sleepless night when my hormones were telling me to creep out and terrorize my neighborhood with an air horn and a Sarah Palin mask. Instead, I became just another decimal point in the largest demographic-- women in our fifties--currently signing up to join the tsunami that is Facebook.

(Time out...I'm in my fifties?? When--and how--did this happen? I was just, very recently, nineteen...and by the way, who is that woman in the mirror who keeps showing me her teeth?)

I can't deny that I'm having fun. I have not only reconnected with people from my past I thought I'd never, ever talk to again (or, were in jail) but I've been happy to see how fabulously you're all doing as well as how the bastard who teased me in junior high isn't looking so good these days. I 've gotten in touch with far-flung family members,"friended" my son's cat, spied on my children and, in general, felt a little less alone in this scary world. I've also learned to be wary--Facebook is kind of like the subway. You can choose to be anonymous or interact. Just be careful if you choose the latter: there are lunatics who want to be your friends and you have to be able to recognize who they are. 

Mr. Zuckerberg now wants to make some changes, choosing to listen to high school students who feel that email is "too slow" and "too formal." First of all, it's a terrible mistake to listen to high school students. They are all crazy what with their new-fangled ideas and tight pants...and second, email is not formal, Mark.

Even my increasingly creaky generation doesn't know from formal. Ever hear the expression "calling card?" Once upon a time, people used to give them to the butler who would then present them on a silver tray when visiting a friend. But seriously, kids, do you even know how to address an envelope?  Quick, where should your glove size appear on the envelope?  That was a trick question, obviously--the envelope only requires your shoe size.

My point is that the world high schoolers occupy is pretty darn informal already. So, please don't confuse me too much, Mr. Zuckerberg. Be gentle with your mother's generation, we're just getting used to this means of communication. Be a good boy and finish your vegetables before you go changing anything too drastically.