Matrimonial Earthquakes

The northeast was startled by an earthquake yesterday afternoon, magnitude 5.9.

It was enough to knock my son's beer can giraffe (Yeah, right? Giraffes, beer cans-- a total win, win!) right off the shelf above his desk as the ground shook beneath Washington D.C. and motivated a phone call from both boys to see if the parental units were in one piece.

There was some damage in our nation's capital which was approximately 80 miles from the epicenter in Virginia and tremors were felt in the Big Apple where jittery New Yorkers poured out of the skyscrapers and into the streets.

Earthquakes are rather unusual in this part of the world and many expressed shock over the day's unexpected interruption. 

The earthquake, however, was nothing compared to the seismic shock resulting from the rumor that emanated from the dependably unsteady world of celebrity matrimony.

Will Smith and Jada Pinkett are getting a divorce.

Could it be true?

Here's where things really go awry... there are whispers that Jada was canoodling with J-Lo's imminent ex -- the cadaverous, tax-avoiding, rumored herion addict and well-known control freak -- Marc Anthony.*

Huh?

If you had a delicious piece of cake in the fridge, fresh and moist with just the right number of  layers and the perfect amount of icing, would you choose to nibble on the turkey loaf that's been in there since President's weekend and, poorly wrapped, is curling up and turning green around the edges?

Me, either.

The Smiths are, of course, denying it but where there's smoke, there's fire. I will not be surprised when the denials become a terse press release announcing that "while they will remain friends and respect one another as people, they have decided to end their marriage."

On one hand, I am not all that surprised based on the lack of longevity in celebrity marriages. Plus, I have a theory that people who are constantly announcing how happy their marriages are, are often full of it. 

John Edwards and poor Elizabeth are a good example. He played the loving husband for years but shocked the entire country with his smarmy hijinks. Al Gore tried to swallow Tipper's head at the Democratic Convention a while back to prove that he was a passionate husband but a few years later, and after 40 years together, they called it quits.

Get a room, you crazy kids!

Friends say Tipper didn't buy man-made global warming and dared challenge him at a pool party after too much Cabernet and guacamole. And yes, I totally made that up.

And think about that couple you know--they held hands at your Christmas party but tried to run each other over in their own driveway one pleasant spring afternoon.

Jada spent an awful lot of time talking about how sex-i-fied their marriage was when visiting Oprah and was always photographed trying to prove her devotion for Will with sultry glances or by narrowing her eyes at the camera.

Could it be that he was a terrible husband? Could the Fresh Prince himself have been less attentive to his wife when the cameras weren't rolling and the papparazi weren't snapping? Could he have pushed her into the arms of another through neglect and disinterest?

Anything is possible but he's just so darn cute in all his movies.

There was that obnoxious trailer on the lower east side of Manhattan when he was filming down there....hmmm.

Nah. It's clearly her fault.

Here's a list of other high-profile splits as well as what caused them...

Brad and Jen---Way too much pretty.

  

I rest my case.

Demi and Bruce--Incompatible genetics (kids too unattractive for them to possibly remain a couple).

Sandra and Jessie--He's a racist, philandering pig from hell and she's not. Boom.

Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman: Scientology. No more need be said.

Christie Brinkley and Billy Joel--He's a hobbit, she's a goddess. Or, they are both difficult idiots. You decide.

Lucy and Desi--Her success, his machismo.

Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley--Exactly what it said on the divorce papers: it went against the "laws of God, man, nature and Elvis."

Meg Ryan and Dennis Quaid--In a nutshell, Russell Crowe wandered by in soccer shorts.

Sonny and Cher--Big age difference, they grew apart..."Susan Says..." took this one very hard.

Sean Penn and Madonna-- Both way too mean  and scary.

Angelina Jolie and Billy Bob Thornton--The vials of each other's blood they wore around their neck's finally creeped even them out

Lisa Marie Presley and Nicholas Cage--Too confusing. He's the nephew of a Hollywood titan (Francis Ford Coppola) and she's the daughter of the King of Rock 'n' Roll as well as the ex-wife of the King of Pop....or is the the other way around?


*Marc Anthony sure can sing, though. Have a listen: