Friday, August 19, 2011

Morning People vs. The Rest of Us

Just when you think the well is dry....when thinking of something to write is like scraping a wooden spoon against the bottom of an empty pot....just when you feel a gust of air enter through one ear and exit the other, the husband calls.

From his well-organized 6:45 in the morning.

To ask a question that he has asked before but there is urgency and purpose in his voice as if he imagines the answer -- which happens to be the date of a family wedding -- may have changed. It had not.

Once elaborately addressed invitations arrive in the mail, complete with foil linings and tissue paper inserts, the dates tend not to change.

It is also important to note that when the startled and sleepy wife answered the phone from what had, two seconds prior, been a deep sleep, the husband launched happily into his typical cheery demeanor using words like "good" and "morning" in the same sentence.

Pure barbarism.

Hence lies the problem: the husband is a morning person and the wife is not. No, she really isn't. Seriously.

If the wife had her druthers, she would remain awake until roughly two in the morning and sleep till ten. While, thanks to the demands of reality, this is not feasible, the wife still resents being forced to miss all the good infomercials and evangelical fundraising telethons that are on in the wee hours.

The husband does not count infomericals as viable entertainment and prefers, instead, to briskly walk for exercise, sip coffee by a sunny window and catch up on world event's with his newspaper, laughing happily at his favorite comic strip.

Not only will the wife leggo your eggo but she may do unspeakable things to it, as well. 

I hear waffle abuse is a crime in some states.

People tend to think the husband is a better person than the wife as a result of this.

The wife asks why.

Is it because she is a fretful curmudgeon who plods through her day with a grimace while the husband spreads sunshine and laughter wherever he goes? Is it because the wife warns of doom while the husband forsees rainbows and teddy bears? Well, is it?

The wife would like to remind you that there is value in being a neurotic pessimist with ambition to one day have an entire episode of "Pet Hoarders" devoted to her on Animal Planet.

The husband would like to chime in that he will institutionalize the wife before that happens but will do it with a cheery smile...especially if it's in the morning.

Have a great weekend, everyone. Thanks for reading!


  1. It's the opposite in our house. Not an early riser but considerably earlier than Colin.

  2. If everyone on the earth were morning people the who would be awake to deliver the babies at 2am and make the donuts at 3am?

    The world would be in kaos.

  3. Excellent point, Michele. I hadn't thought of that!

  4. Rick gets up at 5am... except on weekends, when he sleeps in till 630.
    Then he sleeps all afternoon (it's called watching sport on tv).
    I get up at 730, because I find I am a courier driver magnet - one always turns up (requiring a signature on a package) if I stay in bed any later.

  5. That's a schedule somewhat similar to ours, Janet...Seth is up and out by 4, though. I sleep till about 8ish. We have about two good hours every day before he falls asleep.

  6. Mine claims he's a night owl and I used to be a morning person........Of course, he seems to be the cheery one in the mornings, whereas, I'm demanding time with my coffee before people can so much as glance in my direction.

    You sure it's not pancake abuse they're talking about? I heard THAT was a serious crime.....

  7. Early risers are just crazy people who have all escaped from the nearest mental institution and are now masquerading as normal, healthy human beings. It's madness, I tell you!

  8. I totally agree, ludakristen. case in point--my husband! Thanks for the comment!