Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Search Engine Sluts

Today's blog is rated R
My blog post got very few hits yesterday and I realize why: the title.

It was very boring, not catchy -- in fact, it was downright juvenile. "Hurray for August." What was I thinking?

One of the many things I've learned from blogging is that titles matter in a big way. I have been repeatedly advised to include words that will attract attention. This is not always possible unless you wish to mislead or confuse your readers.

For example, if I had entitled yesterday's post, "Big Breasts of August," I would easily have racked up 1,000 hits.

Here are my two most widely read posts: Nigella's Slutty Kitchen  and Cooking With Cleavage...or, A Series of Important Questions Regarding the Food Network"

See what I mean?

They are innocent posts but the titles imply otherwise.

It also helps if you include the names of people involved in scandal so "John Edward and the Big Breasts of August" would have sent me off the charts. Or, how about "Anthony Weiner, John Edwards and the Big Breasts of August." Holy Cow.

You win on so many levels with the name Weiner.

This is called search engine optimization and it is used to varying degrees by bloggers. I could have made it crazy, as in "Dancing Naked Under the Full Moon of August" and that would have done well...or dark and awful, like "Suicidal Thoughts in August."  That would have hiked up the numbers, too.

I think a huge winner would have been "Suicidal Sluts Meet Anthony Weiner Under the August Moon."

But then I couldn't have nattered on innocently about my mommy and the TV guide and how friggin' happy I am that it's August.

That would have been misrepresenting the actual product.

Although I could have traveled somewhere kinky with the school supplies, particularly with the erasers. Think "Rubber Erasers Meet the Big Breasts of August." That might have gotten me reported to the authorities, but I would have had really good stats by the end of the day.

Even a search engine optimization whore has to be careful and not mislead one's readers...or the horny, weird, googlers who are out there at this very moment, drooling on their keyboards.

And believe me, they're out there.

So, I will try to spice up banal post titles while also keeping it all clean and accurate to appease both the dirty minded and the pure of heart. 

This will be a challenge but it's possible...today is my first attempt. I'll let you know how it goes.


  1. This is a very important post, because I found you when Jenny The Bloggess listed you as having one of the best post titles of the week "Two of the Stupidest People in the World Live Here"... And I only looked, because I thought they lived at my house!
    Also - my post entitled "Gratuitous Pussy Shot" has had more than a few hits...
    I LOVE that perverts are visiting... and finding a photo of my cat...hahahahahahahah
    Keep working on those titles - I need to too. I can't imagine not knowing you - and it so nearly happened that way...aaaarrrggghhh xxx

  2. Bloody Blogger ate my comment! AND it was long and GOOD!
    This is a very important post, because I found you because Jenny The Bloggess listed you as having one of the best titles
    "Two of the Stupidest People in the World Live Here", and I only looked, because I thought they lived at my house!
    And, I can't imagine not knowing you - I just can't.
    I'm going to work on post titles too - one of the most successful of mine was called "Gratuitous Pussy Shot"... I LOVE that perverts visit and find a photo of the cat! hahahahahahahah
    I love you xxx

  3. Janet, I am so glad you found me, too..because it works so that I "found" you, too.

    "Gratuitous Pussy Shots" is absolutely hilarious. The perfect title on so many levels.

    You read this post last night and I did a little clean-up on it this morning. I like it better now.

    And I love you right back!

  4. oh Susan. let me tell you what the most common term typed into a search engine is to find my blog. make sure you are not drinking anything when you read the next sentence.

    "put it in my butt"

    the first time that came up i laughed and thought how on earth would that lead someone to my health and weight loss blog???
    that term is searched almost EVERY SINGLE DAY.
    it worries me a touch lol

  5. Bee, thanks for the warning. I put down my water first.

    Thank goodness because I would have spit it all out. You have got to be kidding.

    That really should be the title of my next blog.

    God help us all.

  6. Mrs. Szold, I can't stop cracking up! Another hilarious post!

  7. Thank you, Steff...go back to work now chasing those ambulances! I love your blog and am vicariously enjoying your summer!

  8. Miss Susan, over time I've discovered that both tallywhacker and boobs usually bring in big numbers.

  9. And "boobs" is very versatile, Michele....I may have to give it a try!

  10. Maybe I should have titled my posts, "What happens in Kenya stays in Kenya" or "Naughty Nairobi".................

  11. Katie, those titles are hilarious....and would attract lots of attention!