Wednesday, December 7, 2011

The Fugitive

There was a disturbing article in a recent issue of the Wall Street Journal about the latest animal escapee in New York City.
Not too long ago, a female cobra from the Bronx Zoo slithered away causing a city wide panic* among men and women alike who imagined the cobra taking the elevator to their apartments, breaking in and making a sandwich in their kitchens. Cobras do not like sandwiches so they had nothing at all to worry about and, besides, she was found within the reptile house a week later.
I love your hat.

Soon after, a peacock, whimsically referred to by the press as "mischievous," who lives in Central Park made a break for it in order to "roost" on the windowsill of a nearby apartment house. He was soon returned to his home in the park.

Central Park Zoo Director Jeff Sailer said in a statement. "A thorough understanding of the peacock's natural behavior allowed for the successful planning of its recovery."


We all know what that means: The guy who discovered the peacock on his windowsill simply made eye contact with the bird and said, "Hey what the @&%$*# are you doing on my windowsill? Get the @*%$#$ outta here." End of story.
Planning the escape
Most recently, a box turtle, prejudicially referred to as "plodding" by the press, escaped from an uptown nature center.

Indigenous to the northeast, it is hoped that the turtle can survive in a nearby park but having often eaten lunch in that park when I worked in the neighborhood, I'd say that turtle is very likely going to get mugged if he isn't careful.

Besides, the full name of this turtle, which does not grow longer than eight inches, is not simply "Box turtle." It's full name is "I-Fully-Intend-On-Getting-Out-Of-This Box Turtle" and they are known to make brazen attempts at escape on a regular basis.

But the focus of today's post is not the turtle.

The focus is an out-of-control elderly couple in their 70's who, hoping they could help find the turtle -- all eight, green inches of him in a giant park full of  leaves, bushes, ponds and good places to hide especially if you're really, really low to the ground -- took a subway from their apartment in Brooklyn to the northern tip of Manhattan where all this was going down.

This kind of energy and initiative totally blew my mind.

I, for one, have been known to manipulate an item on the floor with my toes for upwards of 20 minutes rather than bend at the waist to pick it up and will sooner hide Seth's glasses instead of making the effort to find the rubber band that fell into the macaroni.

You can imagine how impressed I am by Ann and Sid Feldman.

First, like all self-respecting New Yorkers on any given Sunday, they had brunch at a local restaurant (Turtle soup? Hahahahahahahahaha! Sorry.) and then, still digesting, went into the park to look for the turtle.

Ignoring one reporter's suggestion that the turtle was already on a bus to Florida, having masterminded an "Occupy Sea World" rally from his sunny terrarium at the nature center, the Feldmans admitted they were skeptical of their chances at actually locating the turtle.
Find me now, Feldman.

Suspicious by nature, Mr. Feldman suspects foul play, adding that he thought someone may have "stolen the turtle." Wondering aloud how far a little turtle could have made it on its own, he actually uttered the words, "It's just too fishy."

Why on earth would Mr. Feldman, despite a possibly bilious reaction to the lox upon his recent bagel, use a fish reference when discussing a turtle?

Turtles are reptiles, Mr. Feldman. Pure and simple. Fish are aquatic vertebrates. Thank you, Wikipedia. 

Though known to socialize, the two are separate species and I would like to request that, in the future, you please keep it straight.

Just because, at the age of 70, you have the stamina to ride the subway for two hours (one way) to hunt for a turtle while some of us prefer a nice nap after breakfast, does that make you a better person than, let's say-- I am? 

I think it makes you a show-off, Mr. Feldman.

And who among us really likes a show-off?

Be that as it may, I hope the little box turtle is safe. I will keep you posted.
       A recent escape attempt that went horribly wrong. 

*No joke. People were pretty worried about the cobra making a sandwich in their apartments.


  1. A COBRA could make a sandwich at Your place??!!!
    And you worry about the wetas at my place??!!!
    Bless you - that makes you MUCH sweeter than me XXXOOO

  2. I remember when the cobra got out. People were scared it would get in an open window!

  3. I honestly think wetas are scarier than cobras, Janet. I can barely type the word "weta."

  4. I know, Sharona. Some people thought it would get into the plumbing and come up through their toilets.

  5. So my first thoughts as I read along:
    "I'm tired of these M---F--- snakes on this M---F--- Subway"
    Peacocks in New York city, "Hey, I'm sittin' here!"
    Unbeknownst to you, the box turtle has been studying to be a UFC fighter (a Ninja, if you will) and was actually the reason the dude got beat up that tried to mug "a UFC fighter"


  6. Possibly:
    "I'm tired of these M___F___ snakes using all the M----F---- lunchmeat!"

  7. HAHA what is that picture??

  8. Scott...I am very glad that the box turtle is trainingto be a ninja because he's going to need it!

    Thanks for reading!

  9. Hey, Anon, if you mean the one of Tigger, just a really lucky find!

  10. As long as the cobra has been defanged and is making ME a sandwich, I could care less :D