Thursday, December 29, 2011

Stuck In My Head

Get out of my head, Johnny!
I am at the point right now where I am ready to make an appointment to go to the hospital to have the lyrics of "The Most Wonderful Day of the Year" surgically removed from my brain.

In fact, forget the hospital.
I don't need sterile fields and sanitary practices--I am ready to be voluntarily strapped to a table and have a man in a goulash stained lab coat and his assistant, Igor, enter my brain and scoop out the portion labeled "Christmas Song Retention Zone" with an iced tea spoon.
I'm ready, boys.
 A packful of toys means a sackful of joys
For millions of girls and for millions of boys

Please make it stop.

In late November, these songs were welcome in my head, even invited in when I first nodded my assent to Seth who, day and night in his pre-holiday vigil, stood eagerly by the CD player from October on, waiting for my permission to press play for his favorite holiday CDs.

I cheerfully sang along to "Silver Bells" for a week or two and, in the car, allowed the radio stations that switch formats to all Christmas early in the season try and convince me that "It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas," while I merrily cut people off and gave the finger to old ladies driving Buicks.

Soon after, however, initiated by Earth Kitt's purring rendition of "Santa Baby," I realized that something had gone awry.

A jack in the box waits for children to shout,
"Wake up, don't you know that it's time to come out!"

Christmas music had gotten stuck in my head.

Like the time, one of the boys (very recently) stuck an uncooked lasagne noodle into the VCR, this music wasn't going anywhere without a screwdriver and a prayer.

Toys galore

Scattered on the floor
There's no room for more
And it's all because of Santa Claus!

Every Christmas, it tends to be a different song. This year the honor goes to "The Most Wonderful Day of the Year," reedily delivered by the inimitable Johnny Mathis.

It plays over world news in the evening, the voice of the checkout girl admonishing that I can only have four cans of tuna for a buck apiece and drowns out Nirvana's "Smells Like Teen Spirit" in the car when I finally find a station not playing holiday music.

It got really bad last night. As I lay in bed, the lyrics ricocheted off every available surface of my frontal lobe until I staggered into the kitchen to search for the meat tenderizer/brain liberator that I used on the flank steak the other night. Thankfully it hadn't yet made it out of the dishwasher and into its drawer and the music in my head was so loud that I was unable to deduce this simple fact.

A scooter for Jimmy, a dolly for Sue
The kind that will even say "How do you do."

Those kids better watch out. 

I want to mangle that little bitch Sue and her friggin' dolly as well as wrap that deviant Jimmy's scooter around his head but I cannot think beyond the chorus, repeated by the delirious Mr. Mathis again and again and again and...

When Christmas Day is here
The most wonderful day of the year.

I fear there is no hope. At least not until spring when the strains of "In my Easter bonnet with all the frills upon it," enter my brain, finally evicting Christmas.

I'm leaving the meat tenderizer out on the counter.


  1. I feel for you. For me, it's Silent Night.

  2. Those kids better watch out is right. Are you alwyas this cranky?

  3. I love earth Kitt but am sick of Santa Baby. This was a funny blog and I enjoy reading your stuff.

  4. I hate to do this, but well, it's for your own good... (imagine me clapping appropriately)...

    Hey Mickey, you're so fine, you're so fine you blow my mind..
    Hey Mickey! (clap-clap) Hey Mickey!

    We now return you to your normal blogging.

  5. If that song lingered through Smells Like Teen Spirit, this is indeed a serious case. Scott Jung may have just given you a drastic but effective antidote, but if even that does not work, may I suggest the instrumental theme song from I Dream of Jeannie?

    Hope you get it out of there somehow, ideally without a lobotomy.

  6. JacobR, I feel for you, too. Thanks for reading and taking the time to comment!

  7. In answer to your question, LIz--yes. Thanks for stopping by!

  8. Thank you, Caroline! I really appreciate it!

  9. Scott, I have to say that was surprisingly effective...but I'm not so sure I should thank you.

    But I DO thank you for reading!

  10. Brian, a lobotomy sounds pretty reasonablle at this point...but I will look into the I Dream of Jeanie thing--thanks!!!

  11. SCOTT! That was just plain EVIL!... :-)
    This is the first year in...forever... that I did not hear Snoopy's Christmas... do you know that one? I was so pleased.... NOW.. what do I do to get 'Mickey' out of my head???? LOL!

    Happy, Happy New Year my friend XXXOOO

  12. I blame the Nissan commercial that used that song and it played over and over again all season! Haha

  13. Janet! That was very diabolical of Scott, no? You know what a happy year I wish you, my friend! Love and kisses!

  14. Hey, Anonymous--those commercials are to blame for some of the most imbedded melodies ever!!!

    Thanks for stopping by!

  15. Been there, done that. Different song, but it matters little.

    If you've got cable tune in Solid Gold Oldies on your TV. I think it's in the 800's. Crank it up and sing, and sing and sing. Flood your brain with other music.

    It worked for me.

  16. Cutting off old ladies in Buicks AND flipping them off?? Hardly lady like, but it definitely made me laugh.

    Glad I found your blog!

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