Monday, January 2, 2012

Three Important Lessons for the New Year

I just watched the news on this bright shiny morning of January 2 and marveled at yet more footage of the Republican hopefuls, looking exhausted and robotic, shaking hands and patting babies in the final, grueling hours of pre-caucus Iowa.

It crossed my mind for the thousandth time that the best candidate for president may very well not be among any of the faces splashed across the airwaves but might be a quiet, modest person balancing his or her checkbook at a kitchen table somewhere in an unassuming corner of these United States.

I am neither quiet nor modest and my checkbook has never been balanced a day in its life but that being said, I accept my party's nomination and will be honored to run but my point is this--as 2011 and all its residual mess gets filed away, I would like to share three things I learned this year.

None were particularly profound.
Last known example of profound thought.

There comes a point when you simply run out of profound. I think it happens sometime in your twenties and, as the candidates are aware as they repeat the same drivel to yet another array of sleepy morning faces in coffee shops across America, profundity is hard to capture.

But, since this is my official new year's post, for the sake of gravitas, I will attempt to find profundity in these rather prosaic lessons.

Here is what I learned in 2011:

Lesson One: No one really likes pineapple.
It always seems like a great idea.

If you're grocery shopping with a companion and you hold up either a whole pineapple or a container containing bright yellow spears all prepped and ready and wiggle your eyebrows as in "doesn't this look yummy?" they will agree and home that pineapple will come.

For a brief and shining moment, everyone is happy. Even the pineapple.

It will then be ignored in the fridge until -- if whole -- in despair, it collapses in upon itself and makes a mess on the shelf, ultimately running down your arm in a sticky river of awfulness when you try to remove it. If it's already cut up, it has fermented in its container and explodes in your face, spraying you with toxic juices when you pry off the plastic lid.

Do not be believe anyone when they encourage you to buy a pineapple, America. It can only lead to heartbreak.

Profound Version: Spend your money carefully on things you either need or know, for sure, will be enjoyed. Make your own decisions.

Lesson Two: If, while making breakfast for your family one morning, you are attacked by a hot pop of bacon fat and it hits the corner of your eye, it was not personal. It's just how bacon is and calling it horrific names that make your grown sons recoil in horror, will get you nowhere.

Your bacon does not hate you. It simply is greasy, America.

Profound Version: Relax. Don't get offended so easily. Let people be, within reason, who they are.
If only.
Lesson Three: No one ever reacts well, when after asking a question like "Have you seen the DVR clicker?" your response to that -- or any other question -- contains the word "eyeballs."  Most specifically, if your answer goes something like this: "How should I know where it is? Use your eyeballs."

This answer is, pretty much, always a mistake.
Drastic? I think not.

Eyeballs are valued and important organs. Not to be taken lightly, a flippant reference can often deeply annoy he who sincerely seeks and cannot locate the DVR clicker.

So, America, refrain from using "eyeballs" in casual conversation unless the sentence goes something like this: ''My, your eyeballs are looking lovely today." But even that can go wrong.

Profound Version: Speak sweetly....especially to those who love you. Words matter.

If you utilize these three lessons, you will surely have a good year but please don't run for president since I have decided to do it and do not need the competition.

Happy, healthy new year to one and all. Thanks for reading this blog and may 2012 bring you joy, peace of mind and many, many reasons to smiles. 


  1. I hate all pineapple, guess that makes me some sort of fruit racist.

    I can't tolerate bacon smoke, but like bacon. Obviously I will be "occupying" the kitchen whilst not actually doing anything.

    I selectively watch the DVR, avoiding all commercials, which is anti-free market so I must hate America.

    I'm back for another year folks, be sure to tip me and to heck with your waiters and waitresses (the bacon cooking, pineapple lovers of America)


    Have I mentioned you need Disqus? Or perhaps Intense Debate (which I might switch to this year)

  2. And why only May 2012? What about April 2012? Do you hate the cute girly named months of the year? Are you a calendar racist?

  3. We had pork for dinner last night - with a pineapple salsa... delicious!
    If your boys are shocked by your language... they need to toughen up, or they will NEVER be able to meet me... :-)
    And if the boys would refrain from looking for the remote 'like a boy'... and start looking 'like a girl' - all would be well! (I bet it was under a cushion, or a cat)

  4. Scott, you trickster, I pored over the post wondering what you mwanr by May, 2012 and burned some serious brain cells before I realized of what you spoke...very funny. Please send me some brain cells in the mail to make up for this.

    And will look into Disqus but am scared to death of installing anything because of my increasing lack of brain cells.

  5. It was poor Seth who was on the receiving end of the eyeballs remark...but the clicker was, indeed, under a cushion!

    But you are right, those sissies better toughten up!XO

  6. Sent. They have a tendency to dry up enroute so if a suspicious envelope arrives with a white powder, it is not cocaine or anthrax...I swear.

  7. Thanks, Scott...perhaps they can be reconstituted!

  8. I plan on taking your advice for 2012. And I agree about pineapple. Just bought some at Costco and no one ate it.

  9. I don't eat pineapple as a rule but might if bacon were wrapped around it. I lose my remote at least once a day.

    Fun blog.

  10. Your eyeballs are looking lovely today- I love that! I must tell Evelyn that sometime.

    BTW- I love pineapple. Everyone I know down here does. Could it be a regional thing you think?

  11. I think Evelyn will like that--who wouldn't?

    Maybe it is regional. Here everyone claims they love it but it never gets eaten!

  12. You’re so right! I love pineapples, but I never wanna buy them cause they are such a pain in the ass to deal with.

  13. In every way, Anastasia. And sometimes they even attack. As in those spiny barbs...if someone would just put a nice plate of sliced pineapple in front of me.

    Thanks so much for reading!! XO