Friday, January 27, 2012

Half A Woman at Whole Foods

Yesterday, I found myself in one of the fancier sections of my state with time on my hands when I passed a Whole Foods Supermarket, lit up like the White House.

My modest neck-of-the-woods will soon have a new Whole Foods of its own and the neighborhood (more likely, just me) has been a-twitter over it's arrival. Never having been inside one of these fabled meccas of organic, sustainable deliciousness, and extremely curious, I pulled into the parking lot.

It was raining hard so I was happy to see many open parking places close to the entrance but, as I turned into a spot by the door, discovered that the entire row was reserved for people with "fuel efficient, low emission vehicles only."

I had never heard of such a thing. Is vehicular discrimination suddenly acceptable in this country? Does Ron Paul know about this? Blinking, I pointed the car towards another empty row of spots but these were for "our energy conscious car poolers" with two or more riders in the car. Oh my God.

Deciding that the many voices in my head qualified me to park in the car pool section, I swung in and, chip firmly on shoulder, entered the store.

Unused to such indirect, romantic lighting in a supermarket, it took several aisles to realize that my fellow shoppers -- indigenous, I suppose, to the fashionable town we were in -- were longer of bone and whiter of tooth than yours truly. Translation--they were all tall, blonde and gorgeous.

In this new world of the toned and winter-tanned, I was the supermarket hobbit who had wandered in mistakenly from Middle Earth. Squinting at the granola and barely able to see over the salad bar, I marveled at my surroundings...

The prices were shocking, the signs were ridiculous annoying made me want to vomit cute (Ex. "We want you -- yes, you -- to have a great shopping experience!"), the help condescending and, speaking of the salad bar, there were so many options that I became hopelessly exhausted somewhere between "Moroccan Quinoa Delight"  and the "Winter Root Vegetable Melange."

The choices of vegan cheese were astounding, I had no idea that Iceland produced so many varieties of dark chocolate, the diapers were all aggressively organic and I am almost certain that the guy behind the coffee bar was openly smoking a joint.

Determined not to leave empty handed, I grabbed an organic cabbage despite the fact that I did not need or want one. Very confused by all the tall people gliding around the aisles in their natural fibers, I was determined not to leave empty-handed.

After being talked to like I was a naughty child by the cashier and glared at by group of car-pooling giants, I leapt into my getaway car, unbagged cabbage in hand. I remember little else but was so out of it by this point that after spotting a sign off the highway for Phoenix University, I wondered how I ended up in Arizona.

Needless to say, I am less excited about Whole Foods arriving in my neighborhood. In order to afford anything more interesting than a cabbage, I will have to finally start that phone sex line I've been considering out of Tom's old room.

Have a great weekend. Thanks for reading this week. See you all on Monday!
Meowza! Did you see the price of cat food?


  1. I agree with you. The prices are high and the people are weird. But I bet I know the one you were in. That's a very rich neighborhood.

  2. The voices in my head tell me to park anywhere I want. The baseball bat inmy trunk agrees.

  3. If you want to see strange people in a Whole Foods, take a vaca to Austin, Texas. I've never seen so many tatoos and piercings in my life. It is the headquarters of Whole Foods so maybe there is extra weirdness.
    Also I was confused if my Fiat counted as a low-emission, fuel-efficient car as there were only Smart cars parked in these spots. My Fiat has a back seat which means it probably requires a few extra gallons of gas to haul it around.

  4. It was a neighborhood where you have to pay admission when you exit the highway, Cal. They frisked me, too.

  5. Ahhhh, that gave me a good laugh, Sal. I gotta get me one of those.

  6. Michelle, I would like to wander through yours. This one was pure white bread and (organic) mayo. Thanks so much for reading!

  7. Half-Woman? Is that the precursor, to "once, twice, three times a lady?"

    I hate Whole Foods or as I call it Guilt Foods. There is a joke in there somewhere about being raped at the register and your phone sex line, but I can't think of it...

  8. Trader joes is so much better! <3 n affordable!

  9. Scott!!! You took that to a new level..."Guilt" Foods is very funny. I think I shall call it that!

    Thanks, as always, for your comment!

  10. I totally agree, Jac...thanks for stopping by today!

  11. I can see your point Susan. But I disagree a tad. My first experience with whole foods was in Washington DC. No place around could you find all the ingredients you would need to make a Martha Stewart meal. I mean hey a girl has to have her 19.00 a pound butter right?. A-way, you have to kinda know what you are looking for in whole foods. Here are some pointers. The meats although more expensive I truly believe are superior. Just delicious. The salad and food bar has themes so some days they will have southern, indian etc. And the food tastes good. Their bakery. Cakes cookies go over real well when you have company. I shop trader joes as well, and wild by nature. I enjoy the diversity and healthy food options. That being said I really enjoyed your blog.
    Nuts and Berrys

  12. Dear Anon,I actually do agree with youi and fully intend to make another foray into the store when it opens nearby. I have no doubt that the neighborhood it was in, famous for being snooty and elitist, was the issue. I look forward to checking out there products in an environment where I am more mainstreamand less hobbit. Thanks for the tips and for reading the blog.

  13. AHAHAHA if a phone sex hotline is the only way to shop at whole foods then maybe dinners are better left without organic cabbage. PS. what the hell IS in the whole foods salad bar?...I think I will never know

  14. We call Whole Foods "Whole Paycheck". It's extremely expensive, but I have to admit I love the quality of the food. Both of the ones near me (in Fairfield and Milford/Orange) are just a few minutes away from the Trader Joe's which ends up costing a crazy amount of money for groceries that week, but a once-a-month splurge is so much fun.