Monday, February 6, 2012

Football....It All Started, Like Most Things Do, With Fur Bikinis

Raquel: the first cheerleader
"Susan Says..." is sick today. So here is a rerun of a popular post from last year at this time....all about football! 

Let's begin at the beginning.

Back in prehistoric times, tribes of warring savages used to get bored and hungry and had even more testosterone than warring tribes do now.

They'd all dress in the same fur uniforms and attack each other, pillage a bit and go home to celebrate their victory or bitch about their loss.

These macho, rowdy groups (who, based on hours of tireless googling, appear to have not yet invented the high five or the end zone dance) were trailed faithfully by groups of energetic, perky women (mostly blonde) wearing fur bikinis exactly like the one worn by Raquel Welch in One Million Years BC. Exactly.

Their hair and make-up was like hers, too. These women would jump around and climb on each others shoulders and chant. This is the very beginning of football. Obviously.
Players conferring with
cheerleaders on the

I did a little bit of research—heaven forbid a blog post of mine not be 100% accurate in every way-- on the origins of the game which harkens back as far as ancient Rome and Greece.

The Chinese and Japanese played forms of what we now call football, as well and it has progressed right up to today and the addition of specialty-themed ice cream cakes and six foot sandwiches (skip the mortadella, please) with dressing on the side. It remains clear, however, that it has always been an excuse for men to wear very tight pants and touch each other's tushies in public without any negative repercussions. 
"And we'll call that
the end zone..."

I really wish I liked football…I wish I liked it in the same way that I sometimes wish I were part of a large group with a shared interest in order to enjoy the fellowship and shared goals. I could probably achieve a similar sense of comraderie, if I joined the Church of Scientology….I might even get to meet John Travolta or Tom Cruise. I wonder if they like football.

But, if I were a football fan, maybe I, too, might shave my chest hair, paint myself black and gold and stand in the bitter cold for hours, bonding with other lunatics in the process… sharing symptoms of hypothermia in the local ER later.

If I were a fan, my life might be more like a commercial on TV where I’m sitting around with a bunch of jolly people wearing jerseys, squeezin canned cheese onto everything in sight, tossing popcorn into the air and hugging when a run scores (just kidding, of course I know that scoring in football is based on goals, silly!). Everyone looks so happy as they take an annual break from scouring the want ads for jobs or trawling porn sites on the internet. 

Despite my lack of enthusiasm*, I do sincerely hope that all who do follow the game, enjoy the big event this Sunday. May your get-togethers be truly festive, your guacamole be fresh and may the team of your choosing win big! You better check today, however, to make sure your fur bikinis still fit.

*Ironically, since last year, I have started liking the game a bit more if for slightly different reasons. In any case, last night, I was rooting for the New York Giants and enjoyed the game. I was also, as usual, very afraid of Madonna. Go Big Blue!

Early football fan


  1. I loved Raquel Welch!

    Hope you feel better!

  2. She loved you, too! And thanks--working on it!

  3. Fur bikinis actually are the beginning of everything.