Wednesday, May 11, 2011

The Balloon of Terror

My cat, Buzzy, is my body guard.

Typically, he sits with his back to me, scanning the room. I have interpreted this as a protective stance as he appears vigilant to potential dangers, not unlike a good lifeguard whose eyes never leave the shoreline on a busy day at the beach.

The dangers here are varied but admittedly minimal. They include the possible consumption of a half-eaten bag of chocolate chips that -- as the only remaining chocolate in the house -- poses a constant threat to whatever diet I'm on this week, plus a series of online articles about Ralph Macchios's knee injury sustained while on Dancing with the Stars.
Ralph in eyeliner.
Karina, you fool.

Not only has the Karate Kid become rather creepy (I didn't expect that, did you?) but he recently wore eyeliner for yet another futurisitic-themed performance with Karina Smirnoff who's only claim to fame (besides a recent Playboy photo spread) is as the woman who broke off an engagement with Maksim Chmerkovsky.

What was she thinking, America?

There is, however, one thing that strikes fear into the heart of even the stalwart and intrepid Buzzy.

It has been in the house since February, is a master at inflicting terror upon all in its path and has successfully eluded capture for months. It is, of course, a nearly deflated, but undeterred Valentine's Day mylar balloon.

The balloon began its life like other mylars.
Balloon Hater

Cheerful and shiny, it teamed up with some flowers back on February 14 to make my Valentine's Day festive. Unanchored a few weeks later from its tether by the sharp teeth of Nifi the cat, an avowed balloon hater and ribbon-gnawer, it has drifted ever since--pushed by unseen air currents from room to room, getting closer and closer to the ground as it loses helium.

In its younger days, it would pass us in the hall or pay a visit as I cooked or washed dishes, still eye level and cheerful. But now, it's life force draining daily, it has become a lurking source of intimidation as it creeps about, surprising me as it silently follows me into the bathroom or drifts by my feet as I step out of bed in the morning.

But the true victims of this silent mylar nomad are the cats. I can tell that it's near when they either run on tiny legs, telescoped by fear, or leap backwards --achieving amazing heights -- as it approaches.

Why don't I just puncture it with a pencil and end its reign of terror? 
From king of the jungle to this...

Because it keeps us all  on our toes, that's why. Most importantly, it provides stimulation for a small herd of cats whose lives have been reduced to eating, sleeping and going poo poo while their less fortunate but more skilled couter parts are keeping their feline DNA sharp by scrounging for scraps in alleys.

I am doing this for the gene pool of cats everywhere. You're welcome.

Based on its altitude--or lack, thereof, I'd say its days are numbered anyway. But Seth is a balloon buyer, so there will be another mylar balloon to take its place....and keep the cats on their toes. Just like Ralph Macchio.

The nomad.


  1. You should write a horror story about this balloon :D

  2. It just scared me again abut 15 minutes ago.

  3. I'm cracking up becuase we have the nomadic mylar balloons at our house too! The pop up randomly, and I'm always thinking, "Didn't I pop that thing last week?"

  4. I'm jealous - no one buys ME balloons, but my cats have no need, we have a painter here at the moment.. my cats HATE strangers and have vanished, to spend the day somewhere that smells of moss and damp leaves...

  5. I actually just drove a stake through the last of my VD balloons just last week. It bothered me somewhat.

  6. Alicia, they are very predatory, aren't they?

  7. So you know exactly what I mean, Michele...

  8. I wouldn't have minded spending my day in a place that smelled of moss and damp leaves....

  9. I just killed off my last 3 VD balloons last week.

    If you'd like I can send you my partially deflated Mother's Day balloons in a month or so. My pack o pooches couldn't care less about them.

  10. I love this! But I think the nomad balloon would freak me out too.

  11. Michele...I have my own Mother's Day balloon to intimidate me but thanks for the thought!

  12. Cat, I finaly had to kill it a few days ago. It's evil was palpable.