Friday, May 20, 2011

If Tomorrow is the End of the World, I'm Not Cleaning the Litterbox.


My lunch before the Rapture.
 I was hoping that the end of the world would hang on at least until the finale of Dancing with the Stars but, according to an 89 year old bored former civil engineer named Harold Camping who founded some sort of radio network, it's definitely tomorrow.

Okay.

In that case, I have to get busy.

Nothing like Blu-Ray....

First and foremost, I will have breakfast out. I will order an egg cream and double bacon but be sure to leave room for the fact that I intend to sit on the hood of my car in the parking lot of the local Burger King and publicly eat the Baconator for lunch.

I will not use napkins but will wipe my lips with the hem of my shirt and tell anyone who stares that I forgive them.


Next, I will watch my new Blu-Ray DVD of "The Sound of Music" and sing along with every song. Despite the approaching apocalypse, I will become as agitated as ever when, at the end, Captain Von Trapp stupidly misjudges Rolf's commitment to the Nazi party and almost gets them caught.

Then I will have more bacon.

I will spend the day not doing laundry. I will not make the bed. I will not scoop a single turd out of the litter boxes but will sprinkle catnip all over everything and watch the cats roll around and act silly.

Next, I will drive down to Washington, DC. and go directly to the National Zoo where I will climb (not so easy after all the bacon) into the lion's enclosure and play with the six lion cubs for hours.

Their parents will not rip me to shreds because I exude a magical aura that calms lions. The male lion will roll on his back and purr as I scratch his tummy and braid his mane.

There will be no guards to stop me because they are off doing their end-of-the-world stuff so it's all good. Chances are there will be others who wish to play with the lions. I will allow it.

Then I will drive home and Seth and I will  play Gin and listen to George Jones until we've had enough. Afterward. we will take turns smashing the computer, printer and fax machine to smithereens.

Then, we will lie down side by side in our best clothes, such as they are, and wait for the end just like the Astors did in the movie, "Titanic."

In the morning, I will rise, have some fruit and yogurt and do a load of laundry. Those lions were very cute but they smelled well, like lions.

I will also have to buy a new computer, printer and fax machine but it was worth it.

Have a great weekend. Thanks for reading and signing up. See you all, hopefully, on Monday.

15 comments:

  1. I'm going to dance with my boyfriend at my friend's wedding tomorrow. And, if the world does end, well, the reception will probably have some sort of intoxicating beverage.......

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  2. Dancing is good, Katie...and bacon.

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  3. i'm not going anywhere...they say only the good ones get to go.

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  4. OMG!! How freaking funny are you Susan?? I LOVED this!!! But i definitely think you have to sprinkle some brown sugar on top of that bacon.......go for the gusto baby!!

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  5. Good luck fending off the parent lions if you smell like bacon. You might want to reconsider that one -- how about eating AFTER visiting the Zoo? Just a suggestion.

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  6. Then you'll be leading the pack, Miss Bee!!

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  7. Wow, thanks, Donna! You are very kind...and I must admit, it never occured to me to add brown sugar to the bacon. What a great idea....and thanks for stopping by.

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  8. You are correct, Sharyn...but I am prepared. I've been crunching Altoids all the way to the zoo!!

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  9. what - no chocolate?! :-) xxx

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  10. Chocolate covered bacon. It's real. And I bet it's fantastic.

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  11. Ahhhh...Alicia solved the problem for us, Janet!

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  12. Well I'm still here so I thought I'd pop in and say hi. I haven't even eaten a piece of cake yet. But if I see a meteor coming towards me, all bets are off!

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  13. Glad you're still there, Michele...me, too. And it's after en here so I think we're in the clear. How did that loon's prediction ever get so much publicity?

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  14. so yesterday at 6:00 Big dinosaur and I were at our local casino, just the other side of the Sucklahoma line and I looked around and said, "Wlep, nobody disappeared!" And Joe says, "Well...we ARE at a casino..." Touche, sir.

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  15. Cat, the entire dynamic of "the Rapture" got me so confused that by evening, I didn't know which end was up. So I had a piece of cake. Problem solved.

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