Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Dear Anthony Weiner:Yet Another Open Letter To Yet Another Idiot Congressman Yet Again From The State of New York.

God, I hope I dreamed all this.
Dear Congressman Weiner:

Since you have, no doubt, been a victim of long-term ridicule based on an undeniably difficult last name, I shall resist saying anything about how you certainly have cooked your own weiner now, buddy.

And now your troubles are really on a roll, aren't they?

Sorry. I, literally, couldn't help it.

"I've been dealing with this all my life," you have said, publicly acknowledging that your last name sounds exactly like a slang word used for "penis" in junior highschools across the land. If that's been the case, why would you post a photo of the damn thing to a public site?

The name you were born with, Congressman, is not your fault but what you do with it --and your weiner -- certainly is.

Haven't you had enough?
Just when I was wondering who would be the next politician from the state of New York to reveal his bare chest, rendezvous with a hooker, tickle a staffer or forget to pay taxes, you stepped up to the plate with the latest creepiness to hit the airwaves.

Is there something in the water around here?

And, you want to be mayor. I don't think New York is going to elect you. Not necessarily because you tweeted out absolutely deranged pictures of your flexed chest but because of how you sniveled today at your press conference. New York does not tolerate snivelers.

Also, not for nothing, you're a goddam liar.

Maybe the city of the great Fiorello LaGuardia and Rudy Giuliani would prefer to elect someone who is not yet a proven liar. We like to give our politicians a running start.

But you've already stepped into something stinky. No one wants you tracking that into Gracie Mansion.

At your press conference yesterday, when repeatedly asked if you'd engaged in phone sex with any of the six women you admit to "communicating with inappropriately," you said something evasive about being unable to remember the full content of the conversations.

Oh God.

This means that we will soon be treated to explicit transcripts of you waxing horny that will make me want to put my head into a public toilet in order to feel clean again.

Speaking of waxing, it appears that you have been waxing your chest. Is there no end to the fodder you wish to provide a gleeful media? 
I need to rest my eyes now.
And, like so many of your predecessors (from whom you coulda/shoulda learned a lesson), you thought that you, the powerful and mighty Anthony Weiner (hahahahahaha) could not possibly get snagged. Idiot.

Politicians, like you, place yourselves on the pedestals of truth and justice and then lie like rugs to cover your moral inadequacies. Yes, of course, we all have moral inadequacies but we're not all asking for the public's trust.

You are.

Maybe, if you're really lucky, they'll invite you to appear on "Dancing With the Stars--Disgraced Politician Season."
But, honestly, I doubt any of those cute pros will want to get that close to you.

So, you guzzled water and cried some tears and took full responsibility for your actions. I wonder if you may have done this to try and convince congress to raise the debt ceiling. Um, I think it's safe to say you may have taken it a bit too literally.

If that well known hoop skirt chaser, Ben Franklin or the irrepressible Thomas Jefferson had twitter accounts (and electricity... and cameras...and the stupidity and arrogance necessary to harpoon their political careers in a most embarrassing manner) they might have posted lewd pictures, too. But we'll never know, will we?

Once you apologize to your pretty bride of less than one year (who I hope kicks you in ass and then to the curb), call your mother. After all, she's got to face her mah jong group tomorrow.
Congressman Weiner's car.


  1. I swear, I'm going to take the theme song to "COPS" and make a video about all the politicians and white collar criminals who screw us all over.

  2. Interesting that you would hold Rudy Giuliani, a philanderer who carried on some of his sexual liaisons with Juidth Nathan and Cristyne Lategano, in such high regard while throwing Weiner under the bus for the same behavior. Or did you just forget that little fact ?

  3. No, Tom, I did not forget that. But Rudy did not use social media to publicly disperse photos of his erections and smarmy comments on his own lasciviousness.

    And (think of me what you will)for me, Rudy's fearless salvation (after the destruction caused by Ed Koch's final years and the debacle that was the Dinkins administration) and ultimate leadership of NYC after the most heinous period it (or any other American city) has ever had to endure, transcends --just about-- all.

    Call me a hypocrite but keep reading! And I really do appreciate your taking the time to comment.

  4. I wrote about that lame weiner today too. I haven't posted it yet, and now having read this perhaps I won't. This was just great. Thanks for the laughs. The Weinermobile- priceless!

  5. Thanks, Michele---but please post yours. The more the merrier. Let's gang up against assholes like this.

  6. OMG! This was definitely my laugh for the day! Great article Susan!!