Friday, February 11, 2011

An Open Letter to Chris Lee, Yet Another Idiot Congressman

Nope. Not sexy.
Dear Congressman Lee,

Sometimes I feel as if things happen just for me.

Earlier this week, I thought it was the news that Charles Manson had managed to procure yet another cell phone to use in prison. I was planning to go to town with this but then you, sir--the latest stupidest congressman ever, fulfilled a nasty blogger's dream. Thank you, Congressman, you unbelievable idiot, you.

For those who may not have all the facts, I hope you won't mind if I fill them in. It seems that you, a married man of 47, conducted a cringe-worthy online flirtation with a 34 year old woman (no genius, herself, I venture) seeking an eligible man through Craigslist.

During the course of this exchange, you sent her a picture of yourself, bare chested and flexing, with a really, really dopey look on your face.
You told her you were 39 instead of your true age, and that you're divorced with one child. I bet this came as a surprise to your wife and son.

And thanks, Congressman Lee, for using your real name. This makes me think that your former constituents in western NY are doubting their own intelligence for electing you. It also makes me wonder how someone like you was able to operate a computer....or a can opener, for that matter.

I am also kind of moved, in some grotesque way, that you decided the silly picture you took was good enough to send her. I assume you thought it was "sexy" and that she would, too. It's not sexy at all, you poor bastard. But in addition to further confirming your stupidity (and making me a tiny bit sad), it makes you very human, doesn't it?

Don't get me wrong, Congressman Lee, you still make me sick.

And thanks for reminding us how desensitized we have all become to the smarmy behavior of public figures. In one account I read of your antics, they were referred to as "comparatively innocent."

No doubt, had she agreed to more, you would have quickly ramped up from "mild flirtation" to intensely gross but, as it stands, America seems relieved that you consider yourself a "fit, fun, classy guy" as opposed to some freak who immediately announced your plans to put your penis in her ear.

It reminds me of what we used to say when three of our cars were stolen, one by one, or I was mugged in the subway: "At least no one got killed, thank God."

We would justify miserable events with the comfort that they could have been a lot worse. In your case, it's, "Well, at least he didn't send sexually explicit emails to teenage boys like Florida Congressman, Mark Foley...or, play naughty feet in a bathroom stall like Senator Larry Craig from Idaho.

See, Congressman Lee, you're a veritable prince among perverts. There's something to put on your resume!

According to the brilliant political pundit, Sharon Osbourne on "The Talk" yesterday (I swear on Buzzy that I was clicking around for cable coverage of what was happening in Egypt), you were "begging to get caught." I disagree. You were part of the club of men who still believe they are above common rules of propriety--despite the fact that many of your colleagues are already disgraced jackasses who didn't think they'd get caught either.

It was also suggested that your behavior indicates a problem within your marriage. Well, yes, it does---you're an idiot. That's the problem.Your wife can do a lot better.

Congressman Lee, is it at all possible that if we check your phone, we might find that you have been calling Charles Manson? That would really make my day.

Love, Me


  1. Do you harbor any hope that his constituents might be more discriminating next time? Wouldn't that be nice.

  2. I would LOVE to take you to Moxie's! Sadly, there are jackass politicians all over the world - but NOT at Moxie's :-)

  3. Preach on, Sista! You tell 'em!!!

    Buzzy still has carrots.... ;)

  4. I just don't know WTF these people are thinking when they do this stuff. Scratch that. They can't be thinking at all.

  5. One reason I will never date a politician. The other idiots are the other reasons.