The Tale of the Unintentionally Stolen Hair Dryer

This started it all.

 Yesterday, as I was unpacking my overstuffed suitcase after our weekend in Washington, I discovered, amidst the extra underwear and socks, an unfamiliar item...one which I had not packed. An item that did not belong in my house.

As I realized exactly what it was, my beady eyes lit up. Closing my fingers over its smooth handle, pausing to savor the moment, I pulled out the hotel's hair dryer that I never use, preferring instead to bring my own. But here, discovered on an otherwise uneventful evening, was something I could use against Seth....a glorious and unexpected manifestation of a spouse's stupidity. More precious than gold, here was something I could use as fodder against him forever. FOREVER.

Who could have dreamed the evening would turn out so well?

He was sitting innocently in his recliner, dressed in his innocent robe and wearing his innocent face as I approached....a fake smile, constructed to deceive, upon my lips....

Evil: "Wow, where did this come from?" My voice gave away nothing.

Innocence: (happily) "Well, it's your hair dryer. I packed it for you when I saw you'd forgotten it."

Evil: This isn't my hair dryer. My hairdryer is already unpacked. It's upstairs. I would never forget to pack my hair dryer. Never. Ever. Not ever."

Innocence freezes. His smile fades as I morph from the sneering Scar of the Lion King into the deranged Ursula from the Little Mermaid, growing larger and larger until I explode: "You took the hotel's hairdryer!!!!  What were you thinking? Why would you ever think I would forget mine? Oh, noooooooooooooo!"

Honesty Beacon Under Wraps.

To appreciate the horror of this, you must understand that my husband is the most honest, clear-headed do-er of good on earth. He actually has a bright beacon of honesty light that shines out of the top of his head which, on cloudy days or at night, must be covered by a hat so it won't attract attention. Taking anything that isn't his, even unintentionally, is a terrible thing. For people such as yours truly, not so much.

How the issue was resolved was no surprise. He made me call the front desk and explain what had happened lest one of of the hotel maids be accused of trafficking in black market hair blowers and be fired. Told to simply bring it back with us next time we visit, I began phase two....the use of this to make the other spouse look and feel stupid.

Unfortunately, Mr. Innocence had some surprises up his sleeve. Like bringing up the time I gave a ten dollar bill to the well-dressed pan handler who convinced me that he really had locked his keys in his car and had to get on a train because his wife was dying...or the time I put the EZ Pass into a "safe spot" and we couldn't find it for weeks or the time I video-taped my own eye ball instead of Tom's school play.

I fought back with a variety of his most frequent catalogued mispronunciations, his inability to find his way around town even though we've lived here for seventeen years and his refusal to learn how to properly operate the DVR.

This went on far a while and I realized I was on the ropes. How had this happened? This had been my fight to win. 

Then, I heard his breathing change. He was coming in for the kill.  I could only brace for what I knew was next...something he only brings out every several years, something he saves for when he really needs it....something about the time I let parking tickets build up while we still lived in New York City but, since I had out-of-state plates, decided would never catch up with me....something about my car being impounded and having to go to court.

It was over. I had lost.

That one act of arrogant stupidity trumped all others. I hadn't thought he'd use it. Apparently Mr. Innocence has learned to defend himself.

As we settled down, he handed me the clicker with a smile. I meekly programmed the DVR but my thoughts were not dwelling on this unexpected defeat. Somewhere, sometime in the future, he will committ an act so unbelievably stupid that I will surely win the next round. He better.