Thursday, February 3, 2011

Warning: This post is very anti-Justin Bieber and contains far too many testicle references.

I am resting comfortably after stumbling across the disturbing news. It was touch and go for a while but after lying down and watching a few episodes of Lockup Raw on MSNBC, I'm feeling better, thank you.

Here it is, read it quickly and then try to forget it: Last year, Justin Bieber sold out Madison Square Garden .......in 20 minutes. 

The world is ending. We don't need the Mayans to warn us. In fact, I'm certain some great Mayan oracle foresaw the arrival of Bieber on the music (and I use that word loosely) scene and put a stop to calendar production to scare us.

There are 22,000 seats in Madison Square Garden and to sell it out is not unusual. Great acts (The Stones, Stevie Wonder, Springsteen) do it all the time. But to do so in less than a half hour when you look like a Cabbage Patch Doll and your testicles have not yet descended, is unheard of. Or should be.
Bobby Sherman

Little girls of America, explain yourselves! Were there too many hormones in the pureed chicken you were spoon-fed as babies? Or is there simply such a complete lack of available entertainment for the tween girl that you have to settle for Justin Bieber? I will make excuses for you, Young American Girl, for I was once in your shoes...except instead of the internet and MTV, I had American Bandstand and Tiger Beat Magazine.

Does anyone remember Bobby Sherman, the Davids Soul and Cassidy or the late, great Ricky Nelson? These were teen idols---voices already changed, more than three feet tall, testicles securely nestled in scrotal sacs and a boy/man charm that Justin Bieber can only imagine as he thumbs listlessly through Highlights Magazine in his pediatrician's office ("Doctor, Doctor, where are my testicles???")

In the name of research I watched a video of the highly repetitive, appropriately titled Bieber hit, "Baby" on youtube. Not even the unexpected appearance of the ever-so-cool-but now sadly compromised Ludacris could spice up the total nothingness that has sold millions, seduced billions and gave me no choice but to listen to Pearl Jam for an hour with an ice pick jammed into one eye, to counter the effects of the Bieber experience.

After perusing a few articles about the Beib-ster, it made perfect sense to read that my arch enemy, Kim Kardashian loves him but far less sense to learn that he is considered a "budding hip hop artist." Oh really? In what world? Ask Uncle Murda or T-Pain what they have to say about that. I'll tell you what they'd say, "Stop the madness, people!  Un-Bieberize while you still can!"

This has been very hard on me and I must lie down again but I have one last thing to say to to America and the 22,000 fans who giggled and shrieked their way into the Garden last September, "Baby, baby, baby...noooooooooo."
Yep, he grew up to be "Hutch" from "Starsky and..."

12 comments:

  1. LOL! The allure of Justin Bieber escapes me as well. I guess it's a side effect of menopause.

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  2. Thank God for menopause then! Bobby Sherman and David Soul made my teen-age self LONG to visit Seattle (the bluest skies you've ever seen etc). I hope you feel better soon :)

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  3. Michele, not understanding Justin Bieber's allure is a side effect of common sense and good taste....maybe menopause, too.

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  4. Janet...I loved "Here Come the Brides" soooooo much and wanted to go to Seattle, too. I would love to see if that's on DVD. I'd buy it. Remember Big Swede?

    And thanks, I am feeling better already!

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  5. Haha! I agree 1,000,000,000%! Although, I did go to a New Kids on The Block (NKOTB, if your "down with that") concert at the age of 9 or 10. But, these guys were in their teens and twenties and sang great songs that made perfect sense! Like, Hang Tough and Have You Seen Her. Ok, so maybe I still have them on my iPod...so??

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  6. So true........I will confess to having loved the boy bands of the 90's but they were already post-pubescent by then.

    There's just something creepy when women my age wait for him to become legal. This while they decry older men doing the same to teen girl pop stars. Ladies, it's just as sketchy when you do it (unless they're claiming a right to equal opportunity skeevy-ness?).

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  8. annnnnd what is with the New York accent? he is from Stratford, Ontario. where? exactly LMAO

    and my lord i've never read the word testicle so many times in one blog. my water almost flew outta my nose lol

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  9. Cat, I will give you a pass on NKOTB only becasue you are so brilliant and talented.

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  10. Katie...are you saying that "grown women" like him???? It cannot be.

    And Miss Bee, I almost put testicles in a few more times but pulled back....

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  11. Maria,if need be isolate your daughter for as long as it takes to break the spell.
    She'll thank you one day.

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