Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Illegal Tobacco, Legal Marijuana and Mail Order Urine....A Rare Political Statement from Our Board of Directors.

I may have to take up smoking cigarettes.

I have always been very anti-smoking. I hated the smoke-saturated smells of my home as a child, choked on second-hand smoke in public places and drove my older son insane, during his brief stint as a cool high school smoker, by going through his pockets daily and viciously mangling any tobacco products I found. 

Yet, I acknowledge, in the growing police state that this country is apparently becoming, that as bad a decision as it may be to smoke, it is your right to do so.

Hospitals in Florida, Massachusetts, Ohio, Pennsylvania and Texas, to name a few, will no longer hire you, despite your qualifications for a job, if you are a smoker. Please read that again because it sounds unbelievable.......but it's true. Treating tobacco as an illegal narcotic, they will also perform urine testing and fire you if nicotine is detected.

If this happens, don't worry, I promise to immediately set up shop selling my own nicotine-free urine, at competitive rates for smokers to present to employers on testing days.

I am a prolific pee-er so there will be plenty for everyone. I will set up mail-order using Pay-Pal and provide micro-wave safe containers with clearly written instructions for warming to body temperature. I will name this enterprise "Susan Pees..." Finally an opportunity to make the millions of which I dream!! You can contact me through this blog or check for groupons daily.

What the heck is happening? While smoking is a destructive and damaging habit, is it not a personal choice? Who among us, who can read or has ever watched television, hasn't been barraged with increasingly disturbing visuals about the dangers of smoking. We get it! We really do.

And hey, Tobacco companies---I am not defending you. We know you put stuff in the cigarettes to hook people quickly, that you were aware very early on that your product was bad for our health and that you shamelessly market to kids. But I am worried about state governments getting crazy...and you just happen to be the issue of the moment.

What's next? If they see you sniffing your Sharpie in your cubicle, you're out? If you include something delicious but non-nutritive like a slice of bologna in your sandwich, you're gone? Soon salting our food will be a no-no or listening to Kenny G. music will be against the law. Or eating chocolate or having too many cats.....Oh-oh.

I am, personally, very grateful that people are no longer allowed to smoke in theaters and restaurants but the Dictator of New York City, Michael Bloomberg, has made it illegal to smoke, outdoors, in public parks or on beaches!

This, of course, after changing the law that prevented a mayoral candidate from seeking a third term in office so he, himself, could run again. It must be good to be king.

Honestly, I can't imagine New York police enforcing this craziness but come end-of-month-revenue frenzies, cops will ticket their grandmas, so who knows?*

In a country that demands racial and gender equality, why is it acceptable to mandate discriminatory laws against the obese or smokers? And, if you're an obese smoker, don't even bother getting out of bed this morning. Just light up right there and I'll bring you a bologna sandwich later.

All this in a country where states (including some where hospitals will no longer hire smokers) are pushing for the right to legalize marijuana. Go figure.

Once it's legalized there will be no place to smoke it.

So, I suggest writing to your congressmen and ask them where you can smoke your legalized pot. Blast your Kenny G music,'s still a free country. Isn't it?

*My son (pictured below) just informed me that Bloomberg has specifically stated that the NYPD will not be enforcing this law but that it will left to park rangers, etc. I really like the line about cops ticketing their grandmas so I'm leaving it in.....what are they gonna do, arrest me?
My son in high school.


  1. I read it, then read it again, and still, I said, "That just can't be true!? How is that legal?" I cannot fathom getting fired for smoking a cigarette sometime in the last 30 days (or however long the nicotine stays in your system). That is ludicrous.

    And now I'm pissed.

  2. Nicotine and THC (in pot) stay in your system for over a month, while really hard drugs, like LSD and others, leave your system after three days, so I've always been skeptical of drug tests (considering marijuana is less harmful than alcohol). DISCLAIMER: I do not smoke pot.

    The government should not tell you what to do with your own body (provided you are a fully consenting adult and do not harm anyone under the influence). Period.

  3. This country is going crazy...why not ban alcohol? Oh wait..I think they tried that once and it didn't work out so well...

  4. I use to smoke. I loved smoking. But I had to quit or die. I had a stint put in an artery next to my heart in 2010. People have looked down on smokers for decades. Like they were scum. It's unfortunate but true. So this should not surprise anyone. Take care.

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