The Origins of Football: It Started, Like Most Things, With Testosterone and Fur Bikinis...



Early football players, consulting with a Cheerleader.



Let's begin at the beginning.

Back in prehistoric times, tribes of warring savages used to get bored and hungry and had even more testosterone than warring tribes do now.

They'd all dress in the same fur uniforms and attack each other, pillage a bit and go home to celebrate their victory or bitch about their loss. These macho, rowdy groups (who, based on hours of tireless googling, appear to have not yet invented the high five or the end zone dance) were trailed faithfully by groups of energetic, perky women (mostly blonde) wearing fur bikinis exactly like the one worn by Raquel Welch in One Million Years BC. Exactly. Their hair and make-up was like hers, too. These women would jump around and climb on each others shoulders and chant.

This is the very beginning of football. Obviously.

I did a little bit of research on the origins of the game which harkens back as far as ancient Rome and Greece. The Chinese and Japanese played forms of what we now call football, as well and it has progressed right up to today and the addition of specialty-themed ice cream cakes and six foot sandwiches ("Hey, could you please leave out the mortadella...") with dressing on the side.

It remains clear, however, that it has always been an excuse for men to wear very tight pants and touch each other's tushies in public without any negative repercussions. 

I really wish I liked football…I wish I liked it in the same way that I sometimes wish I were part of a large group with a shared interest in order to enjoy fellowship and comraderie. Kind of like Scientology but that would mean I'm totally crazy.

If I were a football fan, maybe I, too, might shave my chest hair, paint myself black and gold and stand in the bitter cold for hours, bonding with other lunatics (I wonder if scientologists even like football...) in the process… sharing symptoms of hypothermia in the local ER later.

If I were a fan, my life might be more like a commercial on TV which is, obviously, what we all strive for. I’d be sitting around with a bunch of jolly people wearing jerseys, squeezing cheese from a can onto everything in sight, tossing popcorn into the air and hugging when a run scores (just kidding, even I know that scoring in football is based on goals, silly!). Everyone looks so happy as they take an annual break from scouring the want ads for jobs or trawling porn sites on the internet.   

Despite my lack of enthusiasm for the actual action on the field, I do sincerely hope that all who follow the game enjoy the big event this Sunday. May your get-togethers be festive, your guacamole fresh and may the team of your choosing win big!

Have a great weekend, everyone---thanks for reading and signing up to follow the blog this week. I look forward to seeing all of you on Monday!

I told you to save me some guacamole, you bitch!!!