Thursday, March 24, 2011

Achieving Television Nirvana, Part Two: Proper Attire

Now that we have established that achieving television nirvana is within our grasp, we will focus on another aspect of the experience.

Proper viewing attire is crucial.

There are two approaches.

One is more realistic (therefore, by definition, less delusional) than the other: sweats, preferably with stretchy elastic.

Reportedly taken at a DWTS viewing party in the mid-west.
This choice of apparel will provide not only comfort but zero resistance when getting up every 45 minutes or so for a quick power walk around the viewing area in order to avoid deep vein thrombosis.

It is not only on transatlantic flights where bad things regarding our legs occur.

If one spends periods of time (roughly similar to transatlantic flights in duration) in a recliner with a 17 pound cat  draped over one's lower half, one must get up periodically to get the blood supply moving.

Soft and cozy, a pair of sweatpants and a sweatshirt will get you through even a demanding evening of extreme television.

Warm socks with grippers on the soles, are also recommended. 

Grippers are important so there is less chance of sprawling face first when scurrying back down the stairs with reinforced snacking supplies. Of course, you are simultaneously DVRing the show so it can be re-played in the event of an important phone call or for brief episodes of laundry-folding (one of the few interruptions tolerated because of its time sensitive quality...laundry,of course, must be folded while still hot in order to avoid ironing) but it is obviously more fun to watch DWTS and AI as they are happening live.  

Another approach is to dress in evening wear.

Evening wear, not recommended by management, is actually worn by a small contingent of severely deranged and emotionally fragile women I know who gather weekly wearing sequins and lace purchased at thrift stores throughout the New York City area.

They claim to have a ball and have invited me to attend but since sweats are forbidden and Buzzy gets carsick, I choose to remain at home.

These demented cougars women are specifically dressing for Dancing with the Stars and, most specifically, for one Maksim Chmerkovsky who they believe, might potentially drop by during their viewing parties (despite the fact that the show is live) for a glass of sparkling cider and a few Wheat Thins. This has not happened after six years but they continue to they get older. And older.

Tomorrow, in the third and final installment of how to achieve maximal viewing enjoyment of the three best shows on TV today, we will attempt a brief existential examination of each show and why America loves them so much.
I don't care if you're hungry. Mommy has to get back to her shows.


  1. Maksim is a hottie indeed. But is he hotter than Isaiah from the Old Spice ads?

  2. I've been invited to the upcoming Royal Wedding... we're dressing up (apparently)...and we're watching from start to finish. It will start around 11pm NZ time - well past my bedtime... I don't like dressing up and I need my sleep, but they do have a cat I can borrow, so all is not lost... and there will be wine...sigh

  3. Oh, and Buzzy really is the most beautiful boy! x

  4. Whike I do love Isaiah,I still prefer Maksim. If only for the spelling of his name. And his ass.

  5. janet, I am considering having a royal wedding viewing extravaganza over here. I think, for us, it's four in the morning. I did the same for Diana's nuptials so many years ago.

    And, as for the Buzzmeister, I am so glad you think so. Thanks! He really is the whole package--looks, personality and he's smart, too. This is a rare combo in any male species.