Friday, March 11, 2011

Humidors, Winter Birthdays and the Lack of a Backwards R

Always a great gift
When my boys were little, I never had to ask them what they wanted for their birthdays.

Art stuff, books, bikes, skates, a new 64 pack of Crayolas,Transformers, Legos, puzzles, board games....the possibilities were endless. And sweet. And fun to buy.

Toys "R" Us (I'm eternally annoyed that there is no backwards R on the keyboard so that for the once-every-10-years that I want to type that, I can't do it accurately) was a treasure trove of things that not only Tom wanted but that I -- reliving my childhood --  did, too.

My sons were never particularly attracted to the aisles of electronic toys...and 10 to 15 years ago there was a lot less of that than there is now. We also had very strict rules (as in we did not allow them in our house) about video games but there was so much to choose from that I was always able to come up with something that would be a hit.

However, when Tom had a birthday party, based on its winter date, people would typically bring him clothing. This would release such hostility and despair that I once considered throwing him a half-birthday party in the summer at which he would, hopefully, receive traditional warm weather items like a Slip n' Slide or a Nerf gun.

Things have changed.

This year, Tom asked for a humidor for his cigars. Since I still think of my kids as babies, I immediately imagined a teeny Tom in a diaper with a stogie clamped in his jaws. I worked hard to exorcise this vision (which quickly became entwined with an image  of Winston Churchill drinking from a sippy cup) so to focus on the task at hand.

While hard to believe, it turns out that since there are no Humidors R Us stores out there (see, I needed that damn backwards R a second time), I had little choice but to resort to shopping on the Internet which, despite my reluctance to utilize any modern techniques for anything anytime ever, I have come to love. 

I am forbidden to enter.
 Not only can you find anything and everything online but there are certain stores at the mall that I simply don't go into because I am so untrendy and uncool that mall security has forbidden it.

So,there is great karmic satisfaction in web-surfing the sites of the fanciest places with Cheez Doodle lips and no bra.

But back to the humidor. I didn't even know what I was getting into. How big is a humidor? Do they plug in? Why is my sweet toddler whose lungs are still pink and healthy asking for a goddam humidor? And, most importantly, does Fisher Price make one?
Not a good gift.

The answers to the above questions are not big, no, he's no longer a sweet toddler but a 26-year-old degenerate and Fisher Price does not make one yet although they do have a pretend at-home Botox party kit for ages six and up.

To summarize: I ordered one for him and it got lost. So I am re-ordering and it will arrive soon but in the meantime, Mr. I-Only-Get-Clothes-for-My Stupid-Winter-Birthday has been bitterly reliving the annual disappointment of his younger years. 

So, if  there's anyone out there who wants to send him a Nerf gun or a Creepy Crawlers Bug Maker, I can provide his address upon request.

Thus concludes another week. Thanks, as always to my readers and followers. And, in view of the tragedy unfolding as a result of the enormous earthquake in Japan, lets send lots of prayers their way.


  1. :-) Both my kids have stupid winter birthdays as well...BOTH!!! Both in January, 3 days apart. WTF? And, lots and lots of prayers going to Japan.

  2. You cracked me up with your "Pretend At-Home Botox Party Kit for ages 6+" line...Do they really have them though? LOL! And yes...let's pray for Japan...and all of those countries with Coast to the Pacific Ocean...Enjoy your weekend!

  3. My birthday is, get this, December 28th. The most forgotten day EVER!! 3 days after Christmas and 3 days before New Years. Yeah, winter birthdays are HORRIBLE and I completely sympathize with Tom.

    Especially because my older brother's birthday is in July. That bastard.

  4. I LOVE wandering into the supertrendy stores (on the rare occassions I'm allowed out)... I like to time them to see how many lovely things I can touch before they acknowledge my being there... a simple good morning/afternoon would keep my grubby fingers off the merchandise! (Listen up you snotty people - you are shop assistants and I am a new lotto winner!!!) Well, ok, I'm not... but I MIGHT be, one day.
    Also, beware internet shopping because there is a miserable-son-of-a-sea-cook out in webland somewhere who stole our bank info and went a-spending.... Fortunately our bank was onto it real fast and shut them down (we are not liable for any repayments) HOWEVER, the bank has also stopped our credit card from being used overseas, which means I can't buy any Lands'End (Where did those people learn their grammer?) t-shirts! Or any of the other foreign stuff that might take my fancy.... humphf!
    My birthday is November 6 - the day after Nov 5 (surprise). Nov 5 is Guy Fawkes Day, where we celebrate that a terrorist didn't blow up the English Houses of Parliament back in 1700 or 1600 or something.
    Our family always celebrated with a combined family fire-works party and party food and ohbytheway - Janet's birthday.
    I sympathise with Tom... if I knew what a Nerf gun was I would totally send him one... on the other hand, I'm notsure I approve of guns for 26 year-old cigar smokers...

  5. Yes, Maria...winter birthdays are tricky....and Cat, Dec. 28?? Come on!! Tom will appreciate your understanding.

  6. Debora, if they have Fisher Price botox kits, I want one! Thanks for reading and for your comment!

  7. Janet--Guy Fawkes Day! Tough break, Lady.

    No Nerf in NZ? It all started with a spongy "nerf" ball that could be thrown around in the house without breaking and expanded to nerf kids still love them.

    And Tom only smokes cigars on special occasions, thank God--but he does take it very seriously!

  8. I will share my Bodacious blue ribbon with you, and please tell Tom that cigar smoke smells like the farts of elderly camels.... just so he knows...

  9. Thank you, Janet--I feel that was a very good catch on our parts.

    And I will tell Tom exactly that! XO