Tuesday, March 22, 2011

How to Achieve Television Nirvana Through Dancing With the Stars, American Idol and Survivor, Part One

What do you get when "American Idol" and "Dancing with the Stars" are both on TV, virtually filling one's weekly dance card of television viewing time?

I'll tell you what you get.


Factor "Survivor" into the equation and we are rapidly approaching television nirvana. The only thing that could make it better would be late night reruns of Magnum P.I....

But that would be asking for the moon when you already possess the stars.

These three shows are, almost literally, microcosmic manifestations of man's internal need to overcome challenges, face fears, beat the odds and WIN (not "win" in the Charlie Sheen way...but, honestly, he would be great on Dancing with the Stars, wouldn't he?).

And as we -- the vicarious, faceless masses, sequestered all over America in our television dungeons know -- it's tons o' fun to watch.

This holy trinity of reality TV does come with certain complications.

First and foremost, the DVR becomes your accomplice since it must be cleared -- transformed into a blank canvas, if you will -- of weeks of House Hunter Internationals, Cash Cabs and episodes of Dr. Oz.
So what if you never actually watch the one where Dr. Oz tells you his fool-proof, guaranteed, no-fail method of exactly how to add ten years to your life.....

Then, the DVR, your new BFF, must be programmed ASAP.

This requires perching on the edge of the couch, clicker in hand with all your concentrative abilities summoned lest you miss an episode and have no one to blame but yourself which, as we all know, is a horrible thing.  Be sure to focus.

Since the starting times of these shows often vary plus they occasionally run past their allotted time, this requires no less concentration than getting a jumbo jet ready for take-off.

And, if all three programs happen to be on at once, you're sunk. You must either accept that you will miss something (unthinkable) or start shamelessly sucking up to friends you have spent the winter alienating so you can go to their house to watch.

If it's important to you to be able to relax with a clear head when your "shows" begin, left-overs must be stored and the kitchen tidied beforehand. 

Depending on your sensibilities, this may or may not include shoving an unwashed frying pan into the oven.
If you choose this route, be certain your ability to actually remember things is functioning so you are sure to remove the pan before heating up the oven on the following day.

Especially, if the damn pan has a damn plastic handle, in order to avoid filling your damn home with toxic fumes that can never, ever -- despite your best efforts -- be completely purged.

I, er, know someone who did this last year. Twice.

For optimal enjoyment, you must also ensure that your television viewing "station" is neat so that you can assemble your supplies (diet coke and salt-free pretzels because all this preparation has caused your blood pressure to spike) and easily grab the faux fur throw, from Costco, if feeling chilly.

Also, be sure to clear a path to the bathroom. Tripping on a catnip toy could conceivably interrupt viewing continuity if you need to go to the ER to have a bone set. This is where the DVR comes in so don't worry...and be sure to pick a cast in a pretty color since it will probably be on for about six weeks.

Tomorrow we will cover proper viewing attire as well as the shows themselves so stay tuned....
Too much to ask for?


  1. Too funny. And, when three shows are playing at once, I head upstairs and watch my least favorite on the small screen tv while demanding that no family members dare touch the big screen downstairs!!! :D

  2. same here,maria. Great minds think alike!! Thanks for the comment!

  3. Ooooh! Tom Selleck... swoon!!! I have to beat my husband off with a stick once I have set the DVR to record something... he pushes all the wrong buttons and we end up taping wrestling! WRESTLING!!! It should be grounds for divorce :-)

  4. dare i announce that i do not have PVR or any recording device??
    you should see the stress in this house when 2 of my shows are on at the same time.

  5. Yes, janet. Tom Selleck. Then. Not now. Now, he's creepy. who saw that coming?

    DVRing wrestling? Tale that remote away!!

  6. Bee, that would be way too much stress for me!

  7. Tom Selleck was so hot back in the day. Not that he heinous now, but in his Magnum days....zowee!

  8. NOOOOO! Tom is CREEPY NOW!!!???? I watched Ellen. Justin wotsisface was on. With a new haircut. Aaaarrrggghhh! Did he give Ellen some of his old hair??? EEEWWWWW!!!!