Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Goodbye, Old Friend....

Last night I dreamt I was driving a car indoors. Then I dreamt that I ran into one of my favorite soap opera stars (Maeve Kincaid, from the now defunct "Guiding Light") and asked her if I had lipstick on my teeth.

"Does anyone here have a guess as to what this means?

"Yes, you with the scientology tee shirt..."

"It means you wish you had a penis!"

"Nope. How about you, in the tuxedo and clown shoes....."

"It means you wish you had chest hair and a penis!"

"No! Aren't there any women in here...Ahhhh, you, miss, you--with the dark circles under your eyes and the haunted expression..."

"It means you slept last night."


Remember last week when I was whining about the stomach flu (or whatever it was)? I couldn't keep anything down and, therefore, did not eat or drink for three days. Well, this included coffee.

And guess what?

I have been sleeping like a log. And I wake up refreshed, don't need a nap during the day and have been enjoying something I barely remember ever having had--energy.Yes, ladies, energy.
Me, much younger.

I used to be an enviable sleeper. It was what I could do. Some can dance, sing, decipher knitting instructions and make a sweater---I could sleep. Deeply. Easily. I was the Lebron James of sleep. In fact, if the Olympics included a sleeping event, I would have represented the U.S. proudly and come home with a gold.

Then my estrogen went on vacation. It has been spotted somewhere in the Tortugas in pedal pushers and a sunhat.

With it, went my ability to fall sleep at a moment's notice, anywhere and anytime.... as my head was aiming for the pillow, through noisy sports events and holding on to a subway strap. It was a wonderful gift.

These days, if I am lucky enough to actually fall asleep, I wake constantly to sweat, freeze, ache, scheme, plot, sob into my pillow and entertain aggressive thoughts that should never so much as enter a lady's mind. These thoughts often involve tasers.

I've drunk coffee all my life and loved it. LOVED IT. In the old days, I could drink coffee right before bed and still, easily, fall asleep. As I got older, I scaled back on how late I dared drink it but it has remained a happy constant and a ritual I've very much enjoyed. Coffee---and plenty of it--in the morning, thank you.
No more cawfee??

It seems that as we age, we metabolize things differently. Where in the manual did it say that??

Who would have guessed that my chipped mug with the picture of Fran Drescher as The Nanny on it, filled with steaming black coffee or the tantalizingly beautiful large size hazelnut iced coffee with milk and two Equals, would turn against me like this?

So, I choose the pleasure of sleep over the pleasure of coffee. I have not had any in about two weeks and haven't slept this well in years. It's not quite like it used to be but what is? Farewell coffee, it was great while it lasted.
See what I mean?

Did I hear someone suggest decaf? I will pretend not to have heard that. Coffee without caffeine is like Tom Selleck without a mustache---totally unacceptable.

I shall live a coffee-free life....and get a taser. I know I'm going to need it.


  1. Good for you! I quit drinking coffee (mostly, sometimes I still have a few cups with a Sunday breakfast) about 2 years ago. But immediately turned into a slave to my Blue Monsters. Coffee's evil step son created purely from plastic and adrenaline.

  2. I stopped coffee except with Sunday breakfast. I switched to a Green Tea, Oolong Tea mix. Dr. Daniel Amen, has a great newsletter about brain health, and getting sleep. If you can't find it, contact me, and I'll send you the link.

  3. i would hate to see me without coffee...actually i am sure alot of people would hate to see me without it lol
    i am a terrible sleeper...always have been...maybe coffee is my issue.
    i just could never give it up. but good for you!!!

  4. I gave up soft drinks years ago. So I have no problem justifying coffee!

  5. While I could never give up the Gift of the Heavens, I do have to agree that decaf coffee is probably the greatest blasphemy one could commit against a drink.

  6. Cat, I'm afraid to ask--what are Blue Monsters?

  7. Hi, William---thanks for the
    comment and I will definityely look up that doctor's newsletter.

    Believe it or not, I have been starting my day with two glasses fo water. It refreshes me, hydrates my cells and seems, along with a shower, to wake me up! I do love tea, too.

  8. Katie--you are right. Decaf-bah!!

    And Bee, you might be surprised. I love coffee with an obsessed passion but sleep is, actually, more enjoyable. I feel better during the day.

  9. Annette, as long as it doesn't disrupt your ability to get rest. But I just wasn't sleeping....

  10. As I read this I was drinking a cup of coffee... my last. I trust you - I will take you advice... if I stab someone... it's all your fault.... :-)

  11. Janet, no one ever takes my advice. Ever. Of course everyone's system is different so coffee may not keep youi as sleepless as it's been keeping me. But give it a good week if you're really going to try it.

    Notice that I am not even concerned about you stabbing anyone. But don't do it, with DNA evidence, we can't get away with anything anymore.

  12. I can't get anywhere near caffeine after 1pm or I am awake all night, literally; and like you, I think Tom Selleck looks better with a mustache, actually his Magnum stache, not the one he's sporting now.

  13. As you should be afraid!! I wrote about Blue Monsters some, remember?


  14. Oh, my goodness, I forgot! I think those wouldmake me very, very productive. As well as holicidal. XO

  15. I meant homicidal but I kinda like the sound of holicidal....

  16. Maybe that's where I get my holicidal tendencies?? Hmmm ;) (I like holicidal better too.)

    Holicidal- Feelings of wanting to murder people cause by the stress of any and all Holidays.

    Done. New word. Good job!! :)

  17. Very depressing but probably true