Goodbye, Old Friend....

Last night I dreamt I was driving a car indoors. Then I dreamt that I ran into one of my favorite soap opera stars (Maeve Kincaid, from the now defunct "Guiding Light") and asked her if I had lipstick on my teeth.

"Does anyone here have a guess as to what this means?

"Yes, you with the scientology tee shirt..."

"It means you wish you had a penis!"

"Nope. How about you, in the tuxedo and clown shoes....."

"It means you wish you had chest hair and a penis!"

"No! Aren't there any women in here...Ahhhh, you, miss, you--with the dark circles under your eyes and the haunted expression..."

"It means you slept last night."

"Correct!!"

Remember last week when I was whining about the stomach flu (or whatever it was)? I couldn't keep anything down and, therefore, did not eat or drink for three days. Well, this included coffee.

And guess what?

I have been sleeping like a log. And I wake up refreshed, don't need a nap during the day and have been enjoying something I barely remember ever having had--energy.Yes, ladies, energy.

Me, much younger.

I used to be an enviable sleeper. It was what I could do. Some can dance, sing, decipher knitting instructions and make a sweater---I could sleep. Deeply. Easily. I was the Lebron James of sleep. In fact, if the Olympics included a sleeping event, I would have represented the U.S. proudly and come home with a gold.

Then my estrogen went on vacation. It has been spotted somewhere in the Tortugas in pedal pushers and a sunhat.

With it, went my ability to fall sleep at a moment's notice, anywhere and anytime.... as my head was aiming for the pillow, through noisy sports events and holding on to a subway strap. It was a wonderful gift.

These days, if I am lucky enough to actually fall asleep, I wake constantly to sweat, freeze, ache, scheme, plot, sob into my pillow and entertain aggressive thoughts that should never so much as enter a lady's mind. These thoughts often involve tasers.

I've drunk coffee all my life and loved it. LOVED IT. In the old days, I could drink coffee right before bed and still, easily, fall asleep. As I got older, I scaled back on how late I dared drink it but it has remained a happy constant and a ritual I've very much enjoyed. Coffee---and plenty of it--in the morning, thank you.

No more cawfee??

It seems that as we age, we metabolize things differently. Where in the manual did it say that??

Who would have guessed that my chipped mug with the picture of Fran Drescher as The Nanny on it, filled with steaming black coffee or the tantalizingly beautiful large size hazelnut iced coffee with milk and two Equals, would turn against me like this?



So, I choose the pleasure of sleep over the pleasure of coffee. I have not had any in about two weeks and haven't slept this well in years. It's not quite like it used to be but what is? Farewell coffee, it was great while it lasted.

See what I mean?

Did I hear someone suggest decaf? I will pretend not to have heard that. Coffee without caffeine is like Tom Selleck without a mustache---totally unacceptable.

I shall live a coffee-free life....and get a taser. I know I'm going to need it.