Friday, April 8, 2011

The Smoke Screen Effect

This week I dropped the ball.

Meals were weird little piles of stuff, the litterbox was neglected (more piles but of different stuff) and laundry became additional, larger piles--both the dirty and the to-be-ironed-with-half-an-ass pile.

There was no particular reason for this. It's not like I was recruited to be a writer for Charlie Sheen's "Violent Torpedo of Truth Tour" or anything but from what I'm hearing, they could use a little help. I just sort of slacked off.

In view of the fact that I really enjoyed slacking enormously and may want to continue with it for a bit, combined with Seth's persistent requests for food and clean underwear, I have decided to create a smoke screen by officially declaring next week, "What Seth Does Wrong Week."

Some highlights will be examining why he insists on saying important things while walking away from me at top speed so I can't hear a single word, and why he drops his socks and underwear about ten inches from the hamper but, mysteriously, doesn't put them inside

Plus, a special focus group is being formed at this very moment that will look into the phenomenon of husbands who are able, immediately after arguing with their wives, to prance directly off to watch reruns of "Everybody Loves Raymond" and laugh uproariously while their wives are still quivering with righteous indignation and coping with long-term residual feelings of paralyzing rage.
Smokescreen kits are available.

If there are any of you out there (men and women alike) interested in setting up a "What -- fill in name of your choice -- Does Wrong" week, call 1-800-CREATE A SMOKE SCREEN, there is professional help available.

You, like me, can enjoy the benefits of a trained team that will come and transform your home into a palace of accusation and recrimination including a free "Pin The Tail on --fill in name of your choice --Game" you can tape to the back of a door.

Springing up all over the country, "responsibility avoidance" companies are no longer considered a fly-by-night industry. Their persistence (handing out leaflets a day-time botox parties and pool halls, for example) has paid off. You, too, can make use of their expertise in creating an elaborate distraction to deflect attention from why you are not fulfilling your duties. Join me, "Susan Says..." as I travel the path of avoidance and denial....

Uh, hold on a second....
Charlie and the strippers. Brilliant/

What, Seth?  Where are you going? The Violent Torpedo of Truth Tour? The tickets are being given away free? Really? Why does it look like you packed for a week??? Hey! Come back here....

I have to go stop Seth from leaving. Have a great weekend. Thanks for reading and don't forget to sign up to follow this madness on the right of the page. See you all on Monday!


  1. I agree Charlie Sheen could your help.

  2. FUN!! What Joe Does Wrong-

    Leaves the washrag soaking wet and crumpled in the bottom of the sink so that it smells like wet pennies the next time I pick it up. (I HATE that smell!!)

    Asks, "What's for dinner?" while I am standing in the middle of the bathtub, up to my elbows in Comet and soap scum and sweating like a stuck hog. (Yes, Texans really do say stuff like that)

    I was also going to mention something about the socks and the underwear never quite making it to the hamper (or heaven forbid, the actual washing machine) but it looks like that may be a universal issue. :)

    Love ya!

  3. Or how the bathroom looks like a storm struck and left water EVERYWHERE after his shower... or how he waits till I'm up to my armpits in dinner preparation before deciding to fix the window which has been banging for days and needs my help IMMEDIATELY because I am, after all, just hanging around waiting for orders... MEN! Can't live with them, can't live without them :-)

  4. Thanks, Michele--he's tanking fast.

  5. Hey, Cat--you are so right about "wet pennies!" Perfect description---and I hate that smell, too. But I have a big soft spot for Big Dinosaur.

  6. you hitthe nail onthehead, Janet. It is exactly as if we were waiting around for orders. Funny and apparently universal as Cat said.

  7. Aww, you just need to get to know him better, that's all. LOL :)