Friday, October 28, 2011

A Family Gets Lost in a Corn Maze--I Warned You All. Maybe Now You'll Listen.

I told you guys, corn mazes are terrifying but you didn't really believe me, did you?

I told you they eat entire families--preferably with young, juicy children who make for a tasty meal to a hungry maze and that before killing you, they clog your lungs with poison gasses and take over your mind so, in your final throes, you start to believe that the Kardashians are intellectuals and that Justin Bieber is a musical genius.

Admit it, you thought I was crazy.

It wasn't enough that I and one of my string of boyfriends named Tony barely managed to escape with our lives on a golden fall day many years ago.

But will you believe this article about how a husband and wife got so lost in a corn maze in Danvers, Massachusetts -- along with their delicious three week old infant -- that they had to call 911?? It was so traumatic that, even after they were finally located by a K-9 unit, the woman proclaimed that she was "never leaving the house again?"

"We thought this would be fun. Instead, it’s a nightmare,” were the words used in the call to the police. I could have told them that.

People have wondered why the corn maze managers didn't make sure that everyone was out of there before closing time. Why do you think? Obviously, they are in on it.

For the love of God, people. Wake up!

In fact, not long before this incident, a couple got lost in an apple orchard and also called 911. These people, however, were just idiots. They even admitted it...."Sorry about this. We feel like idiots." 
I wish you only well.

Who gets lost in an apple orchard? Biblical symbology aside, orchards are happy places where delicious fruit grows on leafy branches so nice people can bake pies.

Both of these incidents took place in Massachusetts. This should cause bells to go off in your head. Not only do they not pronounce the letter "r" in Massachusetts and have lots of scary cranberry bogs but the most obvious warning is that their favorite adjective is "wicked." This says it all and I strongly suggest you avoid that state entirely.
They lure you in with crap like this.

I'll tell you one thing that corn mazes did not count on: cell phones. The arrival of cell phones will, hopefully, thwart their deranged consumption of innocent seekers of autumnal fun, hapless victims lured in by smiling scarecrows and hay bale displays adorned with blooming mums and cheerful pumpkins.

If you can make the call for help before you start hallucinating the Kardashian sisters discussing empiricism vs. naturalism or Justin Bieber in a powdered wig and silk knickers pounding away at a harpsichord as he composes his opus for choir and orchestra, you may survive.

You can't say I didn't warn you.

Have a great weekend, and thanks to everyone for reading, commenting and signing up. We're expecting snow up here on Saturday and since snow is the natural enemy of the corn maze, hopefully, lives will be saved.
This is the actual maze in which the family of three got lost. Note the location in the upper right corner.
I rest my case.


  1. Nice melding of corn mazes, Krazy Kardashians, and Bieber Fever! Totally enjoyed it and am now following...

    oh dear lord don't click this!

  2. Why, thank you, Wily Guy. I like your blog, too, by the way.

    Welcome to my world, mua hahahahah.

  3. You are daft! :-) ... and awesome - the way you include Kardashians and Biebers in the same post... WOW :-) XO

  4. Corn mazes can be scary places indeed. Around here this year, not so much. They're only about 2/3 tall as usual and thinnish to boot.

  5. Hahahahahahaaha! This made my day!