Tuesday, October 11, 2011

First Ever Contest Sponsored By Susan Says...!

Seth gave me a nice little blank book to keep by my bedside since I frequently wake in the middle of the night with an idea or a sentence that will eventually become a blog post.

I did just that in the wee hours the other day and was very grateful as I fumbled for the book and accompanying pen because what I had to write made me laugh out loud.

Despite the fact that I frequently laugh in my sleep (a documented indication of insanity), Seth has never been able to get used to it and is terrified whenever I burst out in the pitch darkness. Of course, I find this hilarious as well.

The other night, I specifically remember being very pleased with both myself and my subconscious but come the morning -- as usual -- had no memory of what I had scribbled down. 

Typically, once I've returned to what I've written, in barely legible nocturnal scrawl, the idea floods back to me and a blog post is born.

I went back to the book this morning, eager to put my new idea to use, but upon reading the words written across the lines instead of within them, I had absolutely no idea what they meant or how I'd intended to use them.

This is exactly what was on the page: "What if more than one Kardashian tried to walk into a room at the same time?"

What had I meant?

What insane dream could have prompted me not only to come up with this madness but to laugh at it in the dark of night?

Was it the jalapeno in my egg whites? Those weird new bean chips from Costco? What??

It almost sounds like the beginning of a terrible Borscht Belt comedy routine....along the lines of the "Take my wife...please" school of humor so I tried to work it into something.

But nothing came.

For a brief moment, I had a little routine going in my head in which the Kardashian girls went fly fishing but it never got beyond their mutual refusal to wear anything other than designer waders...

In other words, my mysterious idea was going nowhere.

I have often railed against the Kardashians in this blog and suspect that, some months ago, it was this ranting spree that got me "disciplined" by the long and clearly power mad arm of Facebook (Really, Mark Zuckerberg? If you and I met in an alley, I could wipe the floor with you. Put that on your timeline, punk), but have since changed my opinion of them.

No, of course I don't like them.

Do not look directly into their eyes.
And, no, I don't think any of the girls are pretty. Seriously, does anyone?

But they made so much money last year with their fashions, perfume and celebrity appearances with no discernible shred of talent that I have little choice but to sincerely applaud their entrepeneurial vision.

My ass is a lot bigger than Kim's and I, most certainly, don't have any money. Explain that.

But I digress...

Why I thought the concept of more than one Kardashian entering a room at the same time was so uproariously funny in the middle of the night will remain a mystery and, while the question is slowly starting to regain funny momentum in my head, I have decided to turn to you, my beloved readers, for help.

If anyone can give me a genuine laugh with an answer to that question, you will win a yet undetermined but totally awesome prize from "Susan Says..."

Please direct your answers to the comments section here or to susansayscontest@gmail.com. I await your answers and will publish the best ones here in a day or too.

P.S.  And whatever you do, do not buy the new bean chips from Costco.
You've been warned.


  1. Someone bought those bean chips for our health fair last week at work! I took a bite and exclaimed, "there's something wrong with these chips!" but later found out they were not of the potato variety.

    Your scribble actually DID make me laugh, simply because I secretly believe there is really only 1 Kardashian that dresses up in various costumes and all the tv segments of multiple Kardashians are actually videoed in front of a blue screen and put together for an end result of multiple Kardashians. Therefore, it is physically impossible for more than one Kardashian to walk into a room at the same time. Kinda like Clark Kent and Superman.

    I am weird.

  2. Beans give me nightmares...
    so does the thought of all the Kardashians in one room...
    spell-check doesn't like Kardashian...
    Spell-check is mighty and all-knowing...
    I've had too much coffee...

  3. Alicia, that did make me lkaugh...hmmmmm. It never occurred to me that there might only be one Kardashian.

    As for the chips...they would be great to use in packing a box....and not only do they taste totally bizarre but they are incredibly salty...phooey.