Thursday, January 27, 2011

Captivity: Day Four

"You've been stuck inside for how long?
Today I tried to poke my nose out of my front door to reassure myself that the world was still there after having been isolated from humanity with five cats and a horrible spider that turned out to be, upon closer inspection, a flattened jelly bean.

I "tried" to poke my nose out of the door--did anyone catch that? I tried. The word "try" indicates possible lack of

My front door was frozen shut. Frozen. Solidly. As in un-openably.

So, I did what I do best--I totally wigged out. First, I became a cartoon character with two hands on the doorknob and two feet up on the door, head thrown back, eyes closed, teeth bared in effort. No luck.Then I screamed to the cats, "We're trapped!! We're trapped!! but they barely stirred from their morning naps. They knew I'd recently stocked up on their favorite high grade catnip to feed their habits, so nothing else mattered.

I was about to call 911 when I suddenly remembered that the house actually does have other doors. So I ran at break neck speed (which, for me, is just ever-so-slightly faster than a slowish walk) to the interior garage door, nearly yanked it off it's hinges with the superhuman strength borne of irrational panic and hurtled out into the driveway and the four inches of snow that, if you read yesterday's post you know, I've been expecting elves to shovel.

This was my first time out in three days and I blinked at the light like Robert Pattinson awakened from a deep nocturnal slumber. 

I no longer remember how long I've been in the house. Seth has still not returned from work. He is hoping (like I believe that) to make it back tomorrow but it depends on getting the "engines back on line" and if road conditions are good enough....and whether the second family I'm pretty sure he has down there can spare him. I wonder if his other wife, er, never mind....

Luckily, come evening, American Idol was on to distract me. I am not sure whether it's because I haven't seen another live human in so long but Steven Tyler looked pretty damn good to me.

By the way, I don't miss Simon Cowell and his prominent nipples one bit. I like the things dangling from Steven's hair and the fact that he needs reading glasses just like I do. He's only a few years older than I am but seems to have ignored the memo that said men his age should not wear pants with eyeballs embroidered on the tuchas but what the hell do I care....he's my only friend at this point.

Told ya.
Hopefully, my front door will thaw in time to slam it on the spring crop of Jehovah's witnesses, Seth will decide we're more fun than his second family and come home, I can successfully relearn the social skills lost during this period of incarceration and American Idol will be more interesting than it was last far, I'd say it's looking good.


  1. Good morning...Where to start? Let's start with LOL!!!!!!!!!!! :-) It's important for you to know that I do in fact LOL and my co-workers wonder what I'm up too.

    I love American Idol. As I sit there loving the new judges, Paula bugged the crap out of me, I'm wondering what all the negative hubb bubb was about. I did these new judges. And, seriously? What the hell were those pants about last night with the eyeballs? That was creepy. But, I do love both Steve, errr...I mean "Stephen" Tyler and JLo. I think this might be the best year ever.

  2. Correction... I DIG these new judges! LOL

  3. Thanks for LOLing, Maria!

    I am loving AI, too....I thought I'd miss Simon but I don't. I never missed Paula.

    I am also liking Jenny from the Block more than I thought I, the talent has been great!

  4. Just don't eat the cats! Step away from the cats.

    Surprisingly, I was able to open our front door this morning. Two weeks ago, the only way out of our house was through our garage. It's an improvement. Unfortunately we're still housebound because we live on a cul-de-sac off of a secondary road off of the main road. We'll be lucky to get plowed out by the weekend. My genius neighbor tried getting out this morning in his little Toyota. Twice. And failed miserably.

    On the bright side, the sun is nice! That's about all I got.

  5. thank God Maria sent me over here. i was so busy working i forgot about my own needs!
    i seriously LOL at work KILL me. i am totally a visual person...and your visuals are killing me lol.
    oh and i think i peed a little.

    i soooo want to sit down and have a drink - or 12 with you haha!!

    and your j-lo comment. i read it as "i am starting to LOOK like jlo"
    lmao - you GO girl.

  6. I think I laughed even harder the second time I read this today. My hell, the visual is perfect. I'm with Bee, if I ever make it to New Jersey, I'm lookin' ya up!

  7. Hey bee and Maria, I want to have drinks with you both, too. Maybe one day at a bloggers convention???

    And, if either are you come east or north, you'd better look me up!

  8. "Hopefully, my front door will thaw in time to slam it on the spring crop of Jehovah's witnesses" OOOooooo Susan, will you be my blogging girlfriend? I think we are soul mates, separated by time and snow. Well, snow for snow here in The Great State of Texas of course...

  9. Oh young one, use your head. Let the Jehovah's Witness dig their way to your door and then slam it.

  10. I never thought of that, Michele....I owe you.

  11. Alicia, I promise not to eat the cats....although one of them, in particular, has very meaty thighs.

    The sun was nice today, you are right. What's nicer is that I escaped. The world looked really weird to me.