Friday, January 28, 2011

Sprung From Captivity

My prison bars.
Seth came home today. Haggard from hijinks with his other wife (I still wonder if she, oh, forget it...), he had to leave the car at the top of the driveway because we were buried under a fresh snowfall. Despite his fatigue, he found the strength to snow blow me to freedom.

And no--for those of you wondering why I didn't spare him the task-- despite my superhuman powers, I cannot handle that thing. Have you seen that giant toothy gear (technically called an "auger") in those machines? It's an amputation waiting to happen. If I were to ever have absolutely no choice but to to use it (ex. "Susan, if you use this snow blower, world peace will be achieved.") I'd stick my hand in right away, just to get the inevitable mangling over with.

And, for those who may ask, "Why didn't that clunky witch go out for a walk...maybe get some fresh air?" The answer is because that would have involved, well, walking.

In any case, I was sprung. Jumping in the car, I drove to the supermarket where I acted like Jeff Bridges in Starman (remember that movie---if not, rent it, it's great!), turning unfamiliar objects--cartons of OJ, loaves of bread--over in my hands and staring at them, making spooky eye contact with my fellow shoppers, speaking took a while until I felt like part of the mainstream again.

By frozen foods I was myself, doing what I normally do--trash talking little old ladies who can't reach stuff and making mean faces at babies when their mommy's backs are turned. God, it was great to be out.

I will look back on my period of captivity as an opportunity to become one with my inner self, to contemplate the meaning of life and become spiritually whole. Not.

It was a four day extravaganza of over-eating, irrational and unpredictable weeping, television watching and perusing the archives of my all-time favorite website, I've seen Meg Ryan's awful lip inflation and Viveca Fox's weird cleavage from more angles than I care to admit.

I also spent hours on end trying to count the exact number of Kardashians but, despite my best efforts, could not. Same for Justin many of him are there, anyway?

Thanks to all who took this journey with me. Speaking of, my stats page has informed me that every afternoon in New Zealand, for the past week, approximately fifteen people are viewing this blog and I just want to say hello--and thanks--to all my new friends over there.

Many thanks, also, to everyone who took the time to sign up and leave me comments. I really appreciate it.

Have a great weekend,everyone....we'll catch up on Monday.
Why, Meg, why?


  1. Sorry to burst your bubble, but - all those people in NZ? - probably just me. I checked in several times after The Bloggess mentioned one of your titles. I too was housebound last week. Not because of snow (it is summer here), but because we had painters in - and you can't let those people know that you usually spend your afternoons on the couch, with chocolate, at least one cat, and total control of the tv remote. So, I tried to appear 'busy on the computer' - muffling snorts of laughter as I read your stuff. You are hilarious, Simon Cowell is scary and I'm off now to take a cricket-bat to the washing machine :-) I hope your new-found freedom doesn't mean the posts will stop??

  2. i tried to respond to this post twice! work wouldn't let me for some reason.
    another great post!
    trash talking old ladies.
    you MUST babysit for me...if the government ever allows me to procreate that is!

  3. Bee, you always make me laugh....thanks for the kind comment!

  4. It's funny, when I thought of Meg Ryan's poor lips, then saw your photos, all I could think was, "Why, meg, why?" And then I saw your caption. Great minds.

    Two more words, and then I'm done: Jenny Hayden.

  5. BTW, I signed up for your son's newsletter. Better to get my info from there than facebook or twitter, right? Right.

  6. Alicia!

    Your identical reaction to Meg's lips are indicative of a definite compatibility!

    And, I have two words for you in direct response to your two on Jenny Hayden and because I am in love with Jeff Bridges: Lucky Bitch.

    Also, thanks for signing up for Charlie's newsletter. Despite my obvious love for the kid, the Daybreak is very informative and helpful and gives the links to read more if desired. He thanks you, too!!

  7. I really like Starman, especially the part when he brings the deer back to life. I'm going to go check out that site. Sounds like fun.

  8. Susan, did you see the PBS documentary on Mr. Bridges... "The Dude Abides"? I caught it a couple of weeks ago. Stellar. I couldn't stop watching. The man is by far the coolest guy on the planet. What I wouldn't give to talk to him for just 5 minutes. Watch it if you get a chance; you won't be sorry.

  9. Yes, Alicia---I loved it. He is very cool...I like his whole family.