Friday, January 14, 2011

Oh, No....Not Another Mood Swing!!

I love my little world. Imagine that we are in a spaceship looking down at the planet.  Now zoom in a bit and focus on North America.  Come closer and closer still until the state of Connecticut fills the portal and keep coming until you are peering down at the little patch that is my town. You can see the spire of the church, the strip of schools and then, closer still, my house—grey and white on the low side of the road.  
There I am…pecking away happily at the keyboard of my computer, pleased to see a bit of sun after a huge snowfall, wondering how much more we'll get before spring, wondering what to cook for dinner….
Now, fast forward less than an hour.  I have cried my mascara into black clown lines and have torn the house apart looking for chocolate. Yes, a mood swing swung by….opportunistic and mean, it surprised me like a jab from a tricky boxer might catch a distracted opponent on the chin. Since they are so quick and, lately, so unexpected, there is no way to completely prepare for them.
Don't worry. In case you are a newcomer to this type of erratic emotional behavior, I am about to help you maximize your mood swing experience with a few easy tips.  First, it is pointless to resist a true mood swing.  It is not your problem that others around you may be seeking medication, religious sanctuary or possible legal action as a result of your sudden seismic shifts---this is your mood swing.  Own it.
It is paramount to always have chocolate at the ready so that if one does strike, you won’t have to rely on some chipped or faded M&Ms hidden--amidst the lint--in the pocket of your sweat pants. Although, in a pinch, that will have to do.
Plan ahead so that, somewhere in the fridge, there is a container of  left-over Chinese food, preferably roast pork lo mein---for that is the holy grail of mood food when your hormones are acting up and the chocolate is gone. Wash it all down with about a gallon of Diet Coke, yell at the next person you see and cry immediately after. Then laugh in a very scary way.
Hug a cat, then tell it to go away. If there happens to be a husband on the premises during all this, focus immediately on him by quickly digging up some petty offense he committed about twenty-five years ago and rant about it until he runs sobbing from the room. Follow him and ask him why he’s wearing pants that don’t fit. If he’s locked himself in the bathroom, place your mouth right up against the crack of the door and continue screaming. Then, suddenly, straighten up and scuttle away.
Your work is now done. I told you this was easy but be aware--these episodes come and go quickly so a lot must be packed into a relatively brief time frame.
The pendulum will, more than likely, have swung back by this point and despite the fact that you are already getting puffy from the lo mein and the Diet Coke, you must now act as if nothing has happened. It's over, as mysteriously as it began.
I wonder how much more snow we’ll have before spring and what I should cook for dinner…..


  1. You should be a comedian!!!! You made me laugh so hard I cried. I'm still laughing. lol

  2. Thanks, Maria!!! Then I have done my job!

  3. lol...this was awesome...and sooooo true! hahaha!!

  4. This blog post made my own "biologically female" moments so much more bearable :D

  5. This is killer. I'm laughing myself silly in my cubicle right now. The paragraph telling us to both hug a cat and crucify our husbands is right on the money, especially the part about berating him about wearing pants that don't fit. That is genius.