A Crazy Voice, Andy Garcia and a Cold Root Beer.

Root beer, Susan?

 I sound just like a Mah Jong Lady...

The kind with deep, raspy voices and leathery skin from years of dedicated tanning with no sunscreen because, in 1963, who knew the sun was trying to kill us?

Please don't be angry. Not all people who play Mah Jong develop "the voice" or got too tan or are even from New York....it's a stereotype. And yes, stereotypes can be hurtful but I'm going with this one.

Call my attorney if you want to take legal action. I'll be using the same jury that was used for the Casey Anthony trial so you don't have a snowball's chance in hell.

In any case, I heard myself yelling at the cats this morning while still in bed, eyes closed, and I sounded like a 75 year old New Yorker who's smoked all her life.

I am neither 75 nor have I ever smoked a single cigarette. I knew I'd never smoke. But I did try one. It was being smoked by my cousin at the time and I asked for a puff. I'm still coughing from that one drag I took. And they're still laughing. I was 11.

But here I was, accusing Nifi,aka The Mad Pooper, of unspeakable crimes (he had, indeed, just left a giant man-size poo right outside the litter box) in this new and terrible voice.

I have nothing to blame it on but the hot and sour soup I had for supper from a new Chinese take-out place whose hot and sour was so searingly spicy that I think it may have simulated about 45 years of smoking as it traveled past my vocal chords on the way to my tummy.

To cut to the chase, I was rudely awakened from a dream by the curling plumage of Nifi's stink as it floated sinuously from the bathroom to my slumbering nose. 

And I was having a good dream.

Andy Garcia was buying me a root beer.

Why Andy Garcia, I have no idea but there are far worse people with whom to be sharing a soda. Am I right, ladies?

And, best yet, it was the Andy Garcia from "When a Man Loves a Woman" which is where he puts up with Meg Ryan's crap for an entire movie as opposed to the Andy Garcia from "Godfather III" which is where he is overacting dangerously in order to appear believable as an Italian.

But I do think I wanted the root beer due to the Chinese food which was pretty salty....and delicious. Except for the soup.

I am now going to clean up the giant poo. I keep the litter boxes pretty clean (except when I don't) but Nifi has become very hard to please. He likes leaving his horrifyingly large "gifts" in perfectly clean boxes which is simply not always possible.

I cannot dream of having a cold root beer with Andy Garcia and change litter boxes at the same time.

But I can wish you a great weekend free of bad news. It's been a crazy week, America, hasn't it?). Thanks for reading....see you on Monday!

The irony is that Mah Jong originated in China.